Avoid pornography as you would a plague. –President Gordon B. Hinckley
Author’s Note: The blocked parts of this article are photographs I found publicly on the internet of LDS boudoir photography. While I chose the least offensive, I want you to be aware of it before you decide to login, as even the tamest are not suitable for younger viewers and/or husbands. I only put them on because if you didn’t see it, you wouldn’t believe it.
My husband and I have been speaking to youth and adults regarding the problem of pornography for nearly ten years. We have watched with alarm as, a few years ago, our message had to change from prevention to rehabilitation. And I would like to share with you, dear reader, some of my observations and insights, which may help some of you to understand why I write the way I do here on the Cygnet.
What is pornography? We have spoken to young people across the continent and overseas, and have only had one person give us the correct answer. She was a student getting her Master’s Degree in Social Work. No one else has ever been able to give us the right answer. So here it is, from a social worker, for all of you who are interested:
Pornography: any material designed to sexually arouse.
We are in trouble.
Many people in LDS culture think that it isn’t pornography unless there is full nudity or the sex act itself is portrayed. This couldn’t be further from the truth. James Gunn, the screenplay writer for Scooby-Doo knows what pornography is. He and his brothers started a website called “PG Porn”, featuring mainstream actors and female pornography stars together in films that do not contain sex. Says Mr. Gunn:
“This is a place where the porn and the mainstream film industries meet and get to have some understanding of each other,” said James Gunn, a writer, director and producer.
“We like to pretend that we’re miles and miles away from pornography, but we’re not,” he said.
And the tagline for Mr. Gunn’s brand of pornography?
“for people who like everything about porn … except the sex”
The world knows what pornography is. I wish all the youth we’ve talked to over the span of nearly ten years knew what it was. I wish the parents of these youth knew what pornography was.
Armed with the proper definition of pornography, we are now ready to recognize it in our lives. Do we understand the culture in which we live is a pornographic one?
From the BYU CyberSecrets Conference (Lane Fischer’s address):
Over the past thirty years, America has transformed itself into a pornographic culture. Maggie Gallagher notes, “A pornographic culture is not one in which pornographic materials are published and distributed. A pornographic culture is one which accepts the ideas about sex on which pornography is based.
Wendy Ulrich says:
Of course, trying to avoid pornography in our culture is a little like trying to avoid salt. It is really difficult to do. We are so surrounded by sexually provocative images that it is almost impossible to stay away from it.
So, we can see clearly that we live in a culture that is saturated with pornography. LDS Ark Culture is defining itself as a Xerox copy of the world’s ideas about sex. This is apparent in the ark culture’s acceptance of Twilight, a book by an LDS mother, as wholesome.
Twilight is pornography for women.
It’s not just me saying that, dear reader, it’s Christians, it’s mainstream book reviewers, it is women who are now addicted to pornography, and it is experts on pornography. Most notably, Dr. Donald Hilton, a renowned neurosurgeon, who, quotes one GoodReads reviewer, “anything that calls out Twilight as pornography gets a good rating from me.” (By the way, I think everyone in the entire church should read his book, “He Restoreth My Soul“. It is full of hope! All proceeds from the book go to helping fight against pornography.)
Quotes a non-member professional book reviewer regarding Twilight:
Oh boy, I have to hand it to Stephenie Meyer: she has created the most potent kind of pornography for teenage girls in Twilight – the Mary Sue epic love story. Even a jaded old crone like me can feel the pull of the pornographic vibes in this story, persuading me to indulge in the escapist fantasy of being the most special girl in the universe.
And a Christian website spells out for those who already have a hard time with Mormons, something that the LDS Ark Culture vehemently will not see:
Take for example, despite the prohibition against sensual kissing – an obvious and admirable moral in the stories – the books constantly use very vivid imagery in the tradition of seedy romance novels, building to scenes of throbbing sexual tension that are just as explicit, if not more so, than a typical kiss scene. A fine example of this is Bella and Edward’s first kiss; in both the movie and book version, the scene is made explicit (in the uncut film version, extremely so) by the exaggerated sexual tension of what should have been, in real life, a simple, chaste kiss….
There are many, many women who are LDS who have not only read Twilight, but shared it with their daughters, not understanding that they were poisoning themselves and their own children by degrees.
And for those mothers who have read Twilight but wouldn’t let their daughters read it, please consider President James E. Faust:
When parents try to teach their children to avoid danger, it is no answer for parents to say to their children, “We are experienced and wise in the ways of the world, and we can get closer to the edge of the cliff than you.” Parental hypocrisy can make children cynical and unbelieving of what they are taught in the home. For instance, when parents attend movies they forbid their children to see, parental credibility is diminished. If children are expected to be honest, parents must be honest. If children are expected to be virtuous, parents must be virtuous. If you expect your children to be honorable, you must be honorable.
This is not, however, a post about Twilight. Twilight was the beginning of our problem. The attitudes and deception which led many otherwise virtuous LDS women to read Twilight, have led to a much bigger problem.
The Twilight attitude, coupled with the massive problem with men and pornography has led to a complete and total abandonment of virtue on a scale that is beyond imagining. First, consider the problem (from BYU CyberSecrets Conference):
Men are conditioned by the media to look at and desire physically attractive women. Throughout our culture, in movies, on television, in magazines and in public meeting places, on billboards, and the internet, men are continually assailed with images of naked and semi-naked women. In addition to being naked, they are physically attractive and very thin. Quoting Brooks again, “This explosion in the glorification and objectification of women’s bodies, promotes unreal images of women, distorts physical reality, creates an obsession with visual stimulation, and trivializes all other natural features of a healthy psychosexual relationship.”
Women’s bodies have become objects to be looked at, lined up, compared and rated. Objective measures such as size, shape and harmony of body parts become more important than a woman’s human qualities.
And here is the scary part:
Women are buying into the culture as well. Women are becoming competitive and ruthless with one another, spending enormous amounts of money on products, cosmetics, surgeries, clothing and accessories. There is much of comparing, competition, jealousy and knit picking amongst women. Women are beginning to objectify and sexualize themselves in order to look the best, to get the most attention, to win the prize – whatever that might be.
Yes, women are objectifying themselves. You may ask, dear reader, how LDS Ark Culture is doing this, and here is a real life example of where Twilight has gotten us:
Boudoir Photography.
Yes, LDS mothers (and sometimes husbands, too) are offering their professional photography skills to not only take photos of your temple wedding, but also, pornographic photos of you to give to your husband as a gift on the wedding day. We found one such shoot of a beautiful blond girl–complete in sexy lingerie, and the next page was a picture of her at her temple wedding.
Already married? Then why not spice things up with some pornographic photography for your husband?
Of course, this is all justified on the LDS Photography websites. States one LDS photographer:
Boudoir photography is about celebrating your beauty as a woman by creating playful images usually in an intimate setting wearing lingerie.
From one LDS mother’s photography website:
FYI: I hope this helps shine some light on the common misconception that boudior[sic] photography is pornographic. It isn’t. It is about women being themselves. Sexy. Embracing who they are and looking wonderful. Please let me know if you are interested in a boudior[sic] session.
(The title of the photography session she’s referring to is “Julia, My German Schnitzel”–that sure does make Julia sound beautiful–not at all like an object)
Please Login or Register to view this photo or section of the post.
And yet another, this from an LDS husband and wife team:
Flirty, fun and PG-13 friendly (think Victoria’s Secret)
Fun, flirty, and….pornographic.
Please Login or Register to view this photo or section of the post.
Here is another quote from and LDS mother photographer:
Amy looked so HOT and I know Richard is going to love his custom handsewn proofbook! I totally encourage all my brides to one of these sessions because it makes for an awesome gift for your groom to be on your wedding night…or even your one year anniversary.
And, then there is this disclaimer from another LDS photographer, which I found a bit haughty:
Please do not click if you find tasteful, classy, sexy, beautiful imagery of woman offensive in any way.
How prudish I would be not to find this classy and tasteful:
Please Login or Register to view this photo or section of the post.
I found an active LDS mother who has a beautiful eight year old daughter. On the one hand she has this on her blog:
On the same website is this post, this photograph and many more that are much wilder, titled “Wanna’ Make Him Really Happy This Valentine’s Day?”
Please Login or Register to view this photo or section of the post.
While all of the above photos have been taken by those who I confirmed are LDS, I am not sure about the woman who took the photo below. So, I urge those of you who ever think of hiring a professional photographer to be sure to check if they also do boudoir photography, or you might end up being the mom who sees this:
Here is a young man about to go on a mission–and out pops an ad to visit this photographer’s other site. Click there and you will see this and more:
Please Login or Register to view this photo or section of the post.
Again, I strongly urge anyone who is using a professional photographer, especially for something sacred like a birth, newborn pictures, a family photo or a temple wedding to please double check to make sure the photographer does not do boudoir photos!
I won’t put any more of the photos I found. Suffice it to say these are the tamest. On a positive note, the LDS boudoir is generally more tame than Babylon’s offerings, which often venture into hard core pornography.
These mothers should know better. They are wrong. Wendy Ullrich continues:
I find it really interesting that lots of women are just sexualizing and objectifying themselves. A woman who dresses immodestly is essentially objectifying and sexualizing herself, but she believes that she is just really expressing who she is and demonstrating her comfort and acceptance of her own body. She believes that she is freely and powerfully asserting her preferences and desires. What she doesn’t realize is that she is simply an inductee into the cult. She has bought into the propaganda of our pornographic culture.
These women and mothers, for whatever reason, have bought into the propaganda. There is no way that this type of behavior can enhance a marriage.
We have had adults at our fireside tell us that a little of this is okay as long as it remains between husband and wife.
First of all, when a professional photographer takes a photograph of you, it already isn’t just between husband and wife. And odds are, if a person has these photos in their home, there is a good chance that the kids may run across it by accident.
Second, many of these women are exchanging their boudoir photography with each other.
Third, when did the Lord ever say that lust was okay between husband and wife? The Savior states in Doctrine and Covenants:
And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.
There is no exclusion for a man’s wife in scripture. We are commanded not to lust. Lust is evil. Lust is a sin.
President Kimball said:
But there are false teachers everywhere, using speech and pornographic literature, magazines…spreading damnable heresies which break down moral standards, and this to gratify the lust of the flesh.
We don’t have to look to the non-members to find the above. We ourselves are “spreading damnable heresies” if we are participating in this.
Said Elder Maxwell:
These individuals do “not sin ignorantly” (3 Ne. 6:18). By imitating and by underestimating the enemy, they end up compromising themselves…However costumed or made up, lust is no substitute for love; actually, brothers and sisters, it chokes out the development of real love, causing “the love of many [to] wax cold” (The Seventh Commandment: A Shield)
And, finally a word from Elder D. Todd Christofferson:
The Savior was critical of some of the early Saints for their “lustful … desires” (D&C 101:6; see also D&C 88:121). These were people who lived in a non-television, non-film, non-Internet, non-iPod world. In a world now awash in sexualized images and music, are we free from lustful desires and their attendant evils? Far from pushing the limits of modest dress or indulging in the vicarious immorality of pornography, we are to hunger and thirst after righteousness. To come to Zion, it is not enough for you or me to be somewhat less wicked than others. We are to become not only good but holy men and women. Recalling Elder Neal A. Maxwell’s phrase, let us once and for all establish our residence in Zion and give up the summer cottage in Babylon.
Mothers, we should know better! I highly recommend reading “He Restoreth My Soul” and watching or reading the transcripts from the BYU Cybersecrets Conference both in 2001 and 2003. While some information is outdated, it’s a good start.
When I first looked at these pictures, and through the other ones I saw that were much more “daring”, I cried. When I knew that not only were these women showing these photos to their husbands, but their friends, as well, I cried. I remembered Sister Dalton’s words last conference:
I learned about what I now call “deep beauty”—the kind of beauty that shines from the inside out. It is the kind of beauty that cannot be painted on, surgically created, or purchased. It is the kind of beauty that doesn’t wash off. It is spiritual attractiveness. Deep beauty springs from virtue. It is the beauty of being chaste and morally clean. It is the kind of beauty that you see in the eyes of virtuous women like your mother and grandmother. It is a beauty that is earned through faith, repentance, and honoring covenants.
I thought of the many young women and men who cannot look into the eyes of their mothers and see deep beauty. It isn’t there. And it does make me weep.
My next post will focus on some positive solutions to the problems of pornography facing LDS people today, especially from the viewpoint of wives and mothers.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Misty,
This post was a revelation. Not that I didn’t recognize what was out there in the world but you brought out its acceptance in our LDS culture. I keep thinking that nothing else will shock me and yet I continually am shocked. This whole article blew me away. Thank you for once again teaching me yet another thing I can use to further protect my family against the influence of evil.
Thanks for this. I love all the quotes. Curious to know your take on this situation: Body building and competitions. The clothing for the women is Uber-Bikini’s. Bikini’s for the men too. I ask because there are active members, looked at as leaders in the church, I know personally who do the body building and competitions and post the pics on Facebook. Personally I feel it is too worldly and inappropriate but am not sure how to take on the subject with them. Suggestions?
Oh yeah, the Twilight stuff… never thought of it that way…. well, I did a bit but brushed it off because “the author is LDS”. How foolish of me!
I have an old high school friend….when I saw her “fitness” pictures posted on fb, I was a little aghast. I have tried, in her behalf, to rationalize it, but I really can’t. Our bodies are not meant to be part of contests where we dress extremely immodestly. In fact, here is my way extreme opinion, I don’t think in a terrestial world there are any kinds of organized sport competitions. I think we are to keep our physical bodies strong and active by working and playing and dancing with our families and friends. Way too much time and commitment is spent in the worship of the physical body or sport skill.
Am I weird, or what?
Thanks for your input Joyful Saint. I tend to agree about the sport idea so, to me, your comment is not so extreme or weird.
I have a blog post on the organized sport topic here if your interested. http://tjedmomforliberty.blogspot.com/2010/06/question-social-norms-organized-sports.html)
There are several local youth involved with boxing and “MMA” fighting. I have a difficult time understanding how either of those are consistent with the Lord’s teachings regarding our tabernacles of flesh as a receptacle of His Spirit, which thus makes it a Temple.
As a martial arts practitioner myself, I don’t have a problem with a “Mixed Martial Arts” technique – in fact, I think it wise to take the best of everything and use it appropriately. But there is a clear distinction in my mind between preparedness, training, and self-defense, and intentional, offensive physical actions. My perception of those two – boxing and MMA fighting – is that they cross the line and becomes competitive physical abuse, politely labeled sport.
I appreciate others’ insight.
Ah-ha, it’s down here at the bottom, the “Logout” link! I created an account – before I read the caution at the beginning of this post – and then couldn’t figure out where to sign-out to avoid the photos in the post.
Wow. Thanks for the eye opener. I’ve cautioned Sisters about things as “innocent” as maternity photos (think skin “belly shots”), but had no idea this type of behavior was even occurring, let alone amidst the Saints. In my responsibilities I’ve experienced a sobering dosage of reality regarding pornography and its effects on the family – and by extension, the world – but was ignorant of the extent of acclimation, particularly by Church members. Thanks for the additional reality dosage, though painful it may be.
I am constantly surprised by the things you find. I never knew such a thing as “LDS Boudoir” photo shoots existed.
Which begs the question: You actively teach avoidance of pornography, so why do you go looking for things that you deem pornography?
Any psychologist will tell you that it is the normal condition of the human mind to dwell on things we are told NOT to dwell on. I read somewhere recently that Utah has the highest pornography consumption in the U.S. And that it has increased quite dramatically in the last ten years. Care to make any guesses as to why? I think it is because it was about that time when General Authorities started beating the pornography drum.
Sometimes pornography is in the eye of the beholder. Mr. Smith may think that I am being pornographic by taking bare belly shots of my pregnant belly. I think it’s sad that someone could look at a bare pregnant belly, teeming with life, and feel sexual. And am I being pornographic by feeding my baby the way God and nature intended? Especially since I don’t use anything to cover myself except the shirt I’m wearing. (And no, I don’t flash my breasts, I am very careful.) I’m sure Mr. Smith would say I am. And I say that is Mr. Smith’s problem and not mine. I do not feed my baby to entice men. I feed my baby because she needs to be fed and I will not sequester myself away in some nasty bathroom just so someone doesn’t feel uncomfortable. A grown man’s or even a young man’s comfort level matters nothing in comparison to feeding a hungry baby.
I agree with your quote that women are over-objectified in this country. But pornography is defined as: the depiction of erotic behavior (pictorial or written) INTENDED to cause sexual excitement. If it was not intended to cause sexual excitement, then it is not pornography. I would agree that those pictures you posted are pornography, based on pure definition, because of their intent. A picture of a bare pregnant belly or the sight of a woman breastfeeding her baby is NOT pornography, because the INTENT to sexually arouse is not there. So if Mr. Smith and others get sexually aroused by those sites, that is their problem.
As for lusting after your spouse, I totally disagree with you about that. I think Heavenly Father gave us those feelings for a reason and that within the confines of marriage it is TOTALLY appropriate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling sexually attracted to your spouse. Thankfully we all get to interpret the scriptures as the spirit dictates to us personally.
Apart from the vilification, Meg, I agree with much of your commentary. I cannot think it better said than in the New Testament (http://beta.lds.org/scriptures/nt/titus/1.15?lang=eng#14). I think it was in this vein Elder Oaks made a comment that “. . . if you [young women] dress immodestly, you are . . . becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.” Note, his use of the word “some” – to some, no matter how immodest your dress, you will be seen through pure eyes, as the Lord sees His children. To others, however, no matter how modest your dress, you will nonetheless be objectified. Clearly you cannot control others’ thoughts, but that doesn’t provide carte blanche permission to do/wear/say whatever we want because it’s “Mr. Smith’s” problem. Clearly, as Elder Oaks points out, we influence others, and cannot safely disregard the individual responsibility – or accountability – inherent in that influence.
Moreover, pornography – and sin in general – is everyone’s problem. To disregard it and chalk it up as “someone else’s” problem is to ignore the effects of pornography and sin on families and the world.
I think it categorically erroneous to lay fault to the increase of pornography use – especially in Utah – with Church leaders. Do we believe Samuel the Lamanite caused the Nephites’ destruction because he boldly prophesied concerning their wickedness? Of course not, he merely obeyed the Lord’s direction – who knew the future – to warn the people to repent lest the foreseen calamities occurred. Do we not sustain Church leaders as Prophets, Seers, and Revelators, that would likewise obey directions from an omniscient God? Doesn’t that include anticipation to “See[r]” things as they will be and provide warning and direction, independent of “causing” sin?
Regarding bare pregnant belly shots, I would not categorize that as pornographic at this point (though continued reading of this blog may ultimately change that perception). However, it is always appropriate to consider our Temple covenants, including wearing the Garment, in context of our choices and behaviors. If we have questions regarding the proper wearing of the garment, we should see our respective Bishop or Temple Presidency. The below link provides some valuable reference information (http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&sourceId=b1747c2fc20b8010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD), click “Additional Information” to view the “Wearing the Temple Garment” section.
Meg, what would I do without you?
You are constantly helping me to look at things from a different viewpoint, and it is a real challenge!
Let me try to clarify my thoughts in hopes that we can continue the conversation and eventually come to a mutual understanding.
First of all, perhaps I should clarify here that I don’t go looking for 95% of what I write about. Because my husband and I have had experience with witnessing the damning effects of pornography as we have gotten to know people throughout the country and on two continents who have dealt with this, there are many who consider us some sort of “parental experts” on the subject. (I would not say that, though. I have plenty to learn.)
Many of these people, both members and non-members, contact us on a regular basis regarding these things. Also, because my husband deals with high end internet technology, he has had many experiences to learn about pornographers from a strictly technical point of view (he started his own IT staffing company, in part, because the Fortune 500, highly respectable IT company for which he worked did business with pornographers).
I don’t spend hours a day sitting at my computer consumed with finding tawdry or shocking things about LDS people to expose them. On the contrary, I am a very busy woman who sometimes has people calling me saying, “I know you are busy, but will you please write about this? I can’t believe it’s happening!” Because many of these people are dear friends of mine, and because I find it helpful to articulate my feelings through the written word, I do write about these subjects.
The statistic about Utah is that it is in the top five states with regard to internet access to pornography. Actually, in my opinion, the major problems LDS people have with regard to pornography is that it hasn’t been talked about enough. Most people who are LDS are ignorant of what pornography actually is, they don’t talk to their children about sex at an early enough age, and when they do, they focus on, as you said, “what not to think about” rather than focusing on the positive and beautiful nature of sex.
There is far too much acceptance of sexual abuse in the church–not outright acceptance, but a kind of “let’s ignore it and it will not exist” attitude, there is ignorance among many on how to deal with abuse, particularly sexual abuse, in marriage, and a general blase attitude among our LDS culture to even care about pornography, because it is a sin that is, in the beginning, easy to hide.
In the past ten years, pornography has exploded in American culture. The rise in pornography addiction in the church is the result of the LDS ark culture following the world’s culture.
With regard to bare belly shots of pregnancy, I have to admit, I used to think they were so cute. I have helped many of my midwife friends with their websites, and many of them feature near nude photography of pregnant women. I totally didn’t have a problem with it.
Upon further examination, however, I realize that first of all, to the world, pregnancy is sexual. (Pregnant=sexy + teeming with life). If you doubt it, take a look at any current fashions designed for pregnant women. Many are designed to sexually arouse. There has also been a rise in pregnancy pornography (I am talking hard core). These bare belly shots are often shot to make the woman feel “sexy”. Secondly, we, as endowed members of the church, have a standard for modesty. We know where we are supposed to be covered, and bare belly nearly nude shots do not cover this standard for modesty.
With regard to breast feeding, I emphatically agree with you that it is not pornographic, because breastfeeding is not designed to sexually arouse. It’s designed to give nourishment to a baby. Most women can breastfeed a baby showing less cleavage than most of todays current fashions. And I will weigh in on this matter here, in brief, that I have breastfed in several of these United States, many, many wards and branches, and overseas, and NEVER have I been made to feel more uncomfortable than in Utah. I believe it is mostly due to the fact that many (both men and women) are uncomfortable with seeing the breast as anything BUT an object to sexually arouse or, at the other end of the spectrum, others have not been taught to be comfortable with sex or the human body.
Case in point, a young mother I know had a very modest picture of a baby breastfeeding and My Space yanked the photo and said it was inappropriate. I know full well that there is hard core pornography over at My Space that is never tagged as inappropriate. Why the breastfeeding photo? In my opinion, it was because My Space was offended that the breast can be used for anything but sex. I have even heard members of the church and others ignorantly refer to the breast as a “sex organ”. Really? Since when?
On the other hand, when many of the Relief Society sisters are getting breast augmentations, which often damage the milk ducts and make it nigh on impossible to breastfeed, what message is that sending to men? Precisely the one we would rather not send–that breasts are not meant to give life, but are just there as a “sex object”.
I don’t think Mr. Smith mentioned anything at all about breastfeeding, by the way. In his defense, I have to agree with him with regard to “belly shots.” I would respectfully disagree with you on many of the belly shots not being intended to sexually arouse. They are shot sexy, often to sexually arouse a husband. The others that are not, are in the least, not in keeping with LDS standards of modesty.
There IS absolutely nothing wrong with feeling sexually attracted to your spouse. In fact, there is something wrong if you aren’t. There is a difference between sexual attraction within the bounds the Lord has set and lust. Lust is a sin. It is destructive, whether within marriage or without. It will consume and annihilate, whether over the course of a month or a decade. Lust opens the door for all kinds of problems, and love and lust cannot coexist.
Here are few things that I have considered with regard to this:
And:
And:
Just as most people don’t understand how I can enjoy life without television, movies, and other entertainments, most people don’t understand how absolutely incredibly wonderful a sexual relationship can be that goes beyond lust and sexual arousal to a heavenly desire that encompasses the entire soul that includes the approbation of God Himself. I believe it is one of the “mysteries of Godliness” that cannot be taught by man, but by the Spirit alone.
BTW, the “reported” use of pornography in Utah is what’s increased dramatically in the last 10 years. That’s not representative of use the preceding years, but rather evidence of this blog’s overall premise that tacit endorsement (more frequently becoming explicit) and saturation of pornography has increased. It’s become more “socially acceptable” to admit pornography use, from what was previously taboo.
And, though I’ve not researched it, perhaps pornography use has also increased in correlation with the change in Utah demographics (age groups, religious activity, etc).
If you didn’t have the proof I would straight up think you were lying! I am shocked to put it mildly. As for Twilight, I agree and disagree. I’ve read the books, I’m not sure if you have or not. They do get you thinking back on your young love and courtship and the author does describe the emotions and tensions. Maybe that is a form of porn. I’ve never thought about it that way.? I did find it refreshing to see old fashioned gentleman manners and restraint portrayed. Your insights and eye opening, keep it up.
I have been saddened to see the reclining and laying down pictures of brides in their dresses, invitations to weddings that feel like you have walked in on a romantic evening that is better left for the two of them. It has made me feel uncomfortable and this helps me understand why. It is inappropriate.
Mr. Smith, I was not villifying you, merely responding to your questioning of women’s motives. Your use of “innocent” in quotations, implies your questioning their motives, like they intended something other than innocent pictures of their own pregnant state. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.
I agree that we have the responsibility to dress in a non-slutty way, primarily as a sign of self-respect. But unless we wear a burka, where does one draw the line when considering other people’s responses to what we wear? I just see too often, especially in the Church, that men want to place the responsibilty of modesty on the women, and act like its the woman’s responsibilty to make sure males aren’t thinking lewd thoughts. Sorry, gents, take responsibility for your own thoughts and quit with the “the woman, she made me eat.” Where is the line in the sand for individual accountability?
I completely agree that pornography is a problem and it’s everyone’s problem. I have seen first hand the devastating effects of pornography abuse on families. But don’t heap coals to the fire by labeling any bare bit of flesh as pornography or the slippery slope to it.
I think you missed my point completely about the Utah stats. The point is: if someone tells you “Don’t think about a white rabbit. Whatever you do don’t think about a white rabbit”, you’re going to think about a white rabbit.
(And don’t lecture me on garments. I know the rules for wearing garments, including the one that says when I wear my garments is between me and the Lord. Does that mean we should never take pictures of ourselves with our families at the beach/pool?)
For clarification purposes:
(1) I don’t have a problem with breastfeeding. If I did, I’d likely hear from my wife long before the blogging community;
(2) I did not intend to impugn their motive or intent, nor imply as much, so it’s my turn to apologize that such was the inference. Rather, my intent was to highlight how something may be inappropriate, even when done with good or “innocent” intent;
(3) My feelings weren’t hurt, though I did feel my character was defamed. I accept and appreciate your apology;
(4) I agree, men must remain equally accountable to control their thoughts, irrespective of an individual’s dress or behavior. The Lord was quite clear in His statement of mental chastity: http://beta.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/12.28?lang=eng#27);
(5) Regarding the so-called “white rabbit,” unbidden thoughts will frequently seek the mind’s center stage when initially learning to control one’s thoughts. It’s for that reason, I think, the Brethren have often provided counsel how to appropriately direct thought (i.e. “headgate” style). Appropriate hymns, scriptures, etc, can provide valuable and needed protection to shift thought. Elder Faust spoke about the power of the scriptures to function as a “washboard” for the mind, a solution I think often overlooked due to its simplicity. As self-mastery improves, the frequency and intensity of undesired thoughts decreases, but it’s important to recognize (a) accountability, and (b) choice, throughout the process to control our thoughts; and,
(6) Meg, you emphasized it’s a choice between you and the Lord, and then paradoxically asked a question for which I’m ineligible to respond. I’m not the Lord, ask Him. Speaking for myself only, when I go swimming my clothing remains consistent with the Garment.
I apologize, Misfit Cygnet, for consuming so much of your comment space. I think in the future I will reserve lengthy comments, such as I’m wont to provide, for my blog, on which others may comment ad nauseam, if desired. Alternatively, reject this comment and I’ll move it over to my blog.
Misfit,
I’m with you completely on the whole breastfeeding, breast augementation issues. I agree that breast augmentation sends the wrong message to men (and the rising generation of girls). But it is the men who are behind it, because of their expressed over-fondness for perfect perky bustiness. It’s a vicious cycle.
I disagree that talking about pornography will “fix” it. It won’t. It hasn’t, has it? It’s just gotten worse. Yes, I know there are alot of factors contributing (accessibility, etc.) But talking/lecturing has not made it better, it’s gotten worse. For over ten years of incessent lecturing, it has only gotten worse.
(I know Mr. Smith didn’t bring up breastfeeding; I did. Because it seemed like a man who assumed that bare pregnant bellies are questionable, would also assume that breastfeeding without a blanket is a veritible come hither. I’m sure that’s an erroneous assumption on my part. So I apologize profusely if I’m wrong, Mr. Smith.)
Meg-
Would you say the same thing about sexual abuse awareness as you did about pornography? I think the two are inextricably intertwined. We raise awareness about rape, molestation, and all other sorts of sexual abuse to stop it, right? So, how does bringing awareness to the problem of pornography make it worse? Does me going and volunteering at The Clothesline Project mean that I’m just fueling the fire for all the men out there who want to rape and defile women? No. It doesn’t. It’s the exact same for pornography. The general authorities warn us about pornography because it is extremely dangerous, the same way, as women, we are warned and taught about sexual abuse, because it is extremely dangerous. The world is becoming increasingly more evil day by day. That doesn’t have anything to do with our general authorities does it? They don’t make the problem worse. They bring awareness to the problem. The same way we bring awareness to sexual abuse. I’ll be perfectly blunt here, this is very personal to me. As a survivor of rape, I know that pornography and sexual abuse go hand in hand. And the solution (as much as there is one) we have for both is the same. Awareness and prevention. We can’t stop a man from looking at pornography, the same way we can’t stop a man from raping a woman. They have their free agency, but the solution to both of them is the same. Awareness and prevention. Ignoring/blaming the general authorities for the problem of pornography in Utah is a deadly mistake.
I enjoy the conversation, Mr. Smith–I love the challenge of being able to discuss things without degenerating into contention. So hard to do these days, but when it IS done, everyone is edified.
Thanks!
And, Meg, you are right– it seems that the incessant talking is not helping too much, doesn’t it? Partly, I think it’s due to our inability to hearken to prophetic counsel–too often we ignore its application in our daily lives.
Too long, I think most parents have relied on the General Conference talks and that is all to educate their children on sex and pornography. President Benson said this:
Today because some parents have refused to become informed and then stand up and inform their children, they are witnessing the gradual physical and spiritual destruction of their posterity. If we would become like God, knowing good and evil, then we had best find out what is undermining us, how to avoid it, and what we can do about it. (Which, by the way, is part of the reason I write)
This is a plague. If we wish to turn the tide, it starts with us. We can’t shift responsibility to the General Authorities. Especially with women, if we collectively stood up and said, “ENOUGH!” we would move much closer to eradicating this problem than we realize. We are powerful, and we can do something extraordinary, but first, we have to stop buying into the culture and stop objectifying ourselves, no matter how many guys express a preference for “perfect perky bustiness” (great turn of phrase, by the way
) .
Also, happily, there is a trend among many members of the church to wear modest swimwear that would cover the garment. I first became delighted to discover, while living in Australia, that almost EVERYONE there dresses modestly in the sun–because they are afraid of skin cancer. How nice it was to go to most beaches there. Swimwear for women and men covered the garment.
In the U.S., we can now buy rash guard shirts and board shorts and swim with the standard of modesty God has set. How great is that?
I second your recommendation for the book He Restoreth My Soul. It is a wonderful resource for anyone struggling with a pornography addiction as well as for those who counsel others with a pornography addiction (which is the reason we bought it).
Unfortunately pornography is rampant, not just among men and boys, but among women too. My husband says that pornography is the biggest problem he deals with as a bishop. Most other major problems can be traced back to it.
Here in Nevada, where prostitution is legal, there are even more pornographic images up on billboards than in most other areas of the USA. We pass at least three billboards advertising local “cat” houses just on the way to church! Sadly, LDS Boudoir Photography doesn’t look much different than the billboards.
In a Stake Priesthood Leadership meeting where I live, one of the speakers queried three Bishops from other Stakes, not all in the area (or even State!), all three of whom indicated the same, that pornography was the most frequent and problematic issue they dealt with in their respective Wards. Ick.
I had no idea this kind of photography was going on right under our noses. Thank You for your courage to expose Babylon and to call it what it is.
Thank you for this post.
Satan is ever so cunning and deceiving! We are blessed to have prophets, seers and revelators on the earth to guide us through the snares and traps he places.
I have seven boys. I am doing all I can to teach them about the power and influence of girls and women. The influence of good, righteous women will lead them to the temple and eternal life. The influence of wicked, sexual women will lead them into sin and despair. I talk to my boys to make them aware of the immodesty around them! Inside and outside the membership of the Church!
We don’t even need to go to a pool to see immodesty around us!! Just take a look around while in the checkout lane of the grocery store: magazines covers and ad copy eye level to our young children!!
I believe talking about what to avoid and why we need to avoid it is a start! It is a way for the Spirit to testify to our children what is good and what is evil. It is a way to help our children (and ourselves) feel and recognize the Spirit.
Elder David A. Bednar said this:
“The standard is clear. If something we think, see, hear, or do distances us from the Holy Ghost, then we should stop thinking, seeing, hearing, or doing that thing. If that which is intended to entertain, for example, alienates us from the Holy Spirit, then certainly that type of entertainment is not for us. Because the Spirit cannot abide that which is vulgar, crude, or immodest, then clearly such things are not for us. Because we estrange the Spirit of the Lord when we engage in activities we know we should shun, then such things definitely are not for us.
“I recognize we are fallen men and women living in a mortal world and that we might not have the presence of the Holy Ghost with us every second of every minute of every hour of every day. However, the Holy Ghost can tarry with us much, if not most, of the time—and certainly the Spirit can be with us more than it is not with us. As we become ever more immersed in the Spirit of the Lord, we should strive to recognize impressions when they come and the influences or events that cause us to withdraw ourselves from the Holy Ghost.”
I believe that if we begin to take an interest, a liking, and a party to anything that numbs our soul from feeling and recognizing the Spirit (yes, and that means Twilight), then we will receive the consequences of our actions. I believe those actions will multiply in our future generations!
You are right on that lust within a marriage is destructive. Lust is about an object not a person. It completely discounts the soul of the person being lusted for. Sadly, the boudoir photography is just an example of women buying into lust as a fact of life for their husband. It’s only a fact if we accept it and promote it as such. God tells us otherwise.
Attraction to my spouse is not the same as lust. I think the point is that we can have holy marriages with healthy, fulfilling sexual relationships or we can have destructive, lust filled encounters with that guy we happen to be married to. You can’t have it both ways. Lust will canker love every time.
This is really disturbing to me. How does bringing pornography into a marriage strengthen it? If we bring it in, it will only lead to more of the same or worse. Where does one draw the line? I believe we have to draw the line BEFORE anything even remotely resembling anything sinful. As far from the cliff as we can get…
I am becoming increasingly concerned about raising children in these latter days! It weighs on my mind constantly.
I haven’t read all of the comments, so I don’t know if I’m touching on a subject already covered. I consider the “belly” photos that many LDS women post prominently on their blogs to be wrong. Our bodies are sacred, the creation of a child is sacred, and posing in a bra and pants to show it off is inappropriate!
On another note, things at the temple aren’t all roses either. My husband’s secretary (an older woman) was a temple worker in SLC and worked in the Bride Room. She eventually quit her job there because she couldn’t take the brides any longer. She said that “they wore more make up than a stripper in Las Vegas” and were constantly cutting and rearranging garments to fit into inappropriate dresses (even taking them off). She went to the temple matron about the problem, but instructions were to “let the Brides make their own decisions.” I think the thing that hurt our friend the most was seeing the mothers assist in the desecration of garments. They should have known better!
My mother works in one of the temples. The matron has never, ever, ever “let the Brides make their own decisions” about wearing immodest dresses in the temple. Ever. Though many a mother has tried to do a little trimming here and a little trimming there (much more than the brides), the response has always been a kind and gentle “that will not be allowed.” It’s too bad that your friend didn’t notify an appropriate authority over that temple as it sounds like things were out of line — the old human frailty creeping in. If the guidelines of the church are followed then, indeed, it is “all roses” at the temple.
I agree with how sad it is when brides rearrange garments in order to go out of the temple in an immodest dress. I’m also bothered by sisters in my ward who rearrange theirs in order to wear shorts that are 3 to 4 inches above their knees or very low cut necklines. When I mentioned it to my Stake President, however, during a temple recommend interview, and how it bothers me that these are the examples my children see, he agreed with my concerns, but pointed out to me something very profound: “You can’t legislate righteousness.” A desire to obey is either in their heart or it isn’t, and no amount of “legislation” is going to change that. I just try to reinforce to my children President Benson’s words of “When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, then God will endow us with power from on high.”
I’m sorry if my comment was offensive to you in some way. I have been thinking a lot about all of these issues and think you have hit on some important topics. Thank you for taking a stand. I just worry about access being provided to the actual photos, even as you chose some of the least offensive, but of course that is your choice.
It makes me sick to see that women have done this AND on top of that, allowed them to be posted on the internet. I’ll definitely be watching out for this in the future and not doing business with LDS photographers who participate in this kind of work.
M, recently I have been wary of those who comment who don’t have a full name or screen name, hence the reason why your previous comment was not approved. I didn’t even get a chance to read it!
With regard to photos, I have been told by more than one person that there is NO WAY that would have believed how bad things were without the proof. Those photos are not just me saying “people are being inappropriate” which is subjective. They are proof that we have a serious problem on our hands.
With regard to “ark culture” it is a term used by a GQ columnist as quoted by David Kupelian referring to Christian pop culture. Part of the quote from the article in GQ, which was referring to Christians in general stated:
I am not calling anyone an “ark mormon”. In fact, I think most of us, myself included, don’t recognize when we are caught up in the culture. It’s hard to recognize. By saying “LDS Ark Culture” I am referring to the phenomenon when LDS culture (not any one person in particular), copies the culture of our society.
Hope that clears things up a little.
BTW, I had never heard of ‘ark Mormons’ before…and am still a bit confused about the term.
Thanks for your responses. I agree that we have to be ever so careful not to get pulled — or perhaps, better said, lulled — into the cultural trends of the day.
A fave talk on that was from Elder David Stone on Zion vs. Babylon, given years ago.
I have just discovered this blog today, thanks to Mrs. Smith, and I can’t stop reading. Thank you so much for your work! I know I’m coming very late to this party but I have to say that I think that our problems with fashion and modesty and plastic surgery are (at least) 80% the fault of women and not of men. And it makes me so sad. We make it so hard for each other. Women with fakely perfect bosoms make it extra hard for the women with normal, beautifully flawed bosoms. This works for everything. Men love real bosoms, generally speaking, but their tastes are perverted by the prevalance (sp?) of the fake ones. The same goes for makeup and fashion. We women are the women who mostly design the clothes, and for sure we are the ones who buy it.
I grew up in Washington state in a fairly laid back culture. I’m not saying the culture was without problems, but the men there were still attracted to the women even though we didn’t wear tons of makeup and we were in the throes of the “grunge” era, so we weren’t very sexily or fashionably attired either, lol. Yet I was rudely awakened when I moved to Utah Valley during my college years. If I was not willing to highlight my hair and go tanning, and wear the tightest clothing “modesty” allowed and cover my face in paint then I was not really noticed by most of the men there. But I was not naive enough to blame the men or think that they are somehow a different breed then the ones back home. No, it was the women who were different, and they were informing the men’s tastes.
Now I don’t want you to think I am saying the grunge look is the way to go, nor am I saying a little makeup is a bad thing. Obviously there is a happy, modest, feminine, and goodly medium. I am saying though, that for the most part, we women have only ourselves to blame for today’s definition (and requirements) of beauty and womanhood. But we can also look to ourselves and eachother to change the trend! How empowering is that! If I ever see a women without makeup, or very little/not flashy makeup, I never fail to notice how absolutely beautiful they look, and I try to tell them that too!
I can’t help but think that these women taking these photos are harming themselves and their daughters and sisters more than they know, by perpetuating the idea that “sexy” is beautiful and informing the men that that is what they should think is beautiful and womanly too!
“Pornography: any material designed to sexually arouse”
I think this is an important line to draw and the blurring of that line is the source of the above mentioned problems. For that reason, I don’t understand why you undermine that statement by later distinguishing degrees of pornography:
“On a positive note, the LDS boudoir is generally more tame than Babylon’s offerings, which often venture into hard core pornography.”
I hardly find this to be a positive note. We would be better off if LDS boudoir was hardcore pornography, because then we could call a spade a spade and stop lying to ourselves by rationalizing the more “tame” pornography we currently find.
That said, I agree with you whole-heartedly. I just hope we don’t keep falling into the same trap again by asserting that some pornography is “less bad.”
Thank you for this well-documented post.
Thank you for this. I am over at http://beinglds.blogspot.com.
You’ve inspired me to look seriously at the messages that I send to others, my children especially, about what true beauty is. Thank you…
Misty
Thanks for writing this. It has strengthened my resolve to uphold my standards. I was directed here from Women in the Scriptures.
What a great post and comments. Definitely a lot to think about…
And thank you for your comments on Twilight. I think you’re the FIRST LDS opinion to agree with mine that the series is pornographic. I had to take the books away from my daughter because she kept reading them over and over – even after I told her that I didn’t want her to keep re-reading them. I read each book just after she got done with it (she had received them as Christmas gifts.) I was NOT very happy that my 6th grade (at the time) daughter had just read what I was reading! And I felt even more frustrated that an active LDS mom had told me that the books would be appropriate for her.
I was very glad to find the website http://www.theliteratemother.com . It has book reviews for parents and I believe that all the reviewers are LDS. So you get a good perspective on the book’s content.
Meg-
Would you say the same thing about sexual abuse awareness as you did about pornography? I think the two are inextricably intertwined. We raise awareness about rape, molestation, and all other sorts of sexual abuse to stop it, right? So, how does bringing awareness to the problem of pornography make it worse? Does me going and volunteering at The Clothesline Project mean that I’m just fueling the fire for all the men out there who want to rape and defile women? No. It doesn’t. It’s the exact same for pornography. The general authorities warn us about pornography because it is extremely dangerous, the same way, as women, we are warned and taught about sexual abuse, because it is extremely dangerous. The world is becoming increasingly more evil day by day. That doesn’t have anything to do with our general authorities does it? They don’t make the problem worse. They bring awareness to the problem. The same way we bring awareness to sexual abuse. I’ll be perfectly blunt here, this is very personal to me. As a survivor of rape, I know that pornography and sexual abuse go hand in hand. And the solution (as much as there is one) we have for both is the same. Awareness and prevention. We can’t stop a man from looking at pornography, the same way we can’t stop a man from raping a woman. They have their free agency, but the solution to both of them is the same. Awareness and prevention. Ignoring/blaming the general authorities for the problem of pornography in Utah is a deadly mistake.
I don’t think being sexy is natural to women at all. Perhaps it’s just me, but when I “try” to be sexy, I feel goofy and silly and even ridiculous! Seriously… just cause the world says we “should” or “do” doesn’t mean it’s true! Sure isn’t for me!
The first time I ever heard of boudoir photography was approaching my high school graduation (a long time ago in SoCal). A couple of my non-LDS classmates were planning their June wedding. The soon to be bride asked me very privately to be their wedding photography, and “by the way, would shoot a session of boudoir photography?” She had to define the term to me. I politely refused, explaining that such scenes should be held sacred between her and Bill. I’ve shot a lot of weddings over the years. However, my feelings are still the same on that issue. That said, I would not judge those who choose that as an option. My concern is how can they avoid their children and others from viewing them as the years move on?
Good article. This is definitely a growing problem. My own sister has started a Home Birth Photography business and she is getting many requests for what she considers inappropriate photos. She recently said to me, “Why when the cameras come out do the garments fly off?” To her credit she doesn’t give them what they want.