Author’s Note: To be very clear, I understand that there are women who must work, for a variety of reasons. There are many of us, however, who are capable of living much closer to the ideal than we are currently. It is a commandment to nurture our children, therefore God will provide a way, often miraculously, and often in spite of the current LDS Ark Culture. All we have to do is hold Him to it.
Recently, I was made aware by a reader of this blog an interesting article regarding “The Next Generation of Mormon Feminism.” I was hesitant to even look at it, as I have a tendency to get very fiery regarding women’s issues and sometimes think I would scare even the most militant of feminists when I start ranting about the unfairness and inequality I have witnessed in my years of working with abuse victims within the church.
In point of fact, I don’t like to get “riled up” from an outside source–as my husband can attest, I have enough fuel in my own arsenal to go on a tirade about injustice, and I have been working on not having contention in my heart.
But, that is not really what the author (and board member of WAVE, a new feminist group of LDS women who are attempting to enact gender equality in the church) had in mind regarding the next generation of Mormon feminism.
No, the author of this article, who has spent the last six years in Young Women, first states this regarding her experience with these youth:
These girls give me such hope for the future of the church. To them it is common sense that women could have a career and children, if that’s what they wanted. The acceptability of education is such a fact to them that many of them cock their heads at me as if I’m speaking a different language if I hint at a time when that wasn’t so….Many of them have become adept at interpreting statements from general authorities to fit their viewpoint, secure in themselves and what they want out of the world, and assuming that everyone else feels the same way.
She then goes on to say this:
My heart has broken as I watch these girls I love like daughters walk away because they can’t find a way to fit in. We have no access to firm numbers, but based on the anecdotal evidence, we are losing this generation of young adults at shocking rates. And while the reasons may be manifold, I am firmly of the belief that it’s because the vision we give them of their future is not a future they want.
When I read this, I was at first startled, then a bit vexed. Does this woman not see that the problem is right in front of her face? Anytime we decide to “interpret statements from the General Authorities to fit our viewpoint,” we are on the road to a personal loss of testimony, and in some cases, personal apostasy. (I know that I have often gone to the Lord to discover if I am on that road, myself….Satan is very clever.)
The gospel of Jesus Christ is not here to give people “the future they want.” Being fully converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ is to submit yourself to inevitable persecution, not “the future you want”. From George Q. Cannon (and I could just as easily have picked dozens of others who have said the same):
It is not always—neither has it been the case with the majority of mankind who have comprehended the truth—the popular voice that is expressive of the truth. On the contrary, from the very beginning down through all the generations, even to our own day, it has been the case that truth has been unpopular. Hence the saying of the Apostle Paul: “All that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.” He did not say that they might suffer, or that they perhaps might suffer, but that they shall suffer. It should be one of the consequences of living godly in Christ Jesus.
These young women are walking away because they have been erroneously taught that the gospel can be conformed to what they want out of life–not what God wants. This is no more easily observed than with the author’s final statement:
If we look for a model of effective change for women in the church, we can look to the issues of birth control and working women. For decades, leaders preached about the evils of birth control, until women flat out rejected the counsel. They preached about the dangers of women working outside of the home, but women continued to do it in greater numbers until leaders have had to accept it. Strict essentialist gender roles often bear so little resemblance to our actual lives, we just have to keep living in the manner best for our family, and things will catch up.
This, then, is WAVE’s model for change? If we go against the prophet and rebel long enough, then things will “catch up”? I think it would be interesting for WAVE to make a study of the children of Israel, and what happened when they complained, murmured, and openly rebelled.
I would submit to you, dear reader, that this “model for effective change” might be renamed as a “model for effective plagues” or “model for effective consumption by fire” or “model for imminent destruction.”
This also shows that there are many on the forefront of “Mormonism” that have an idea in their head that if there is enough of a majority they can force leadership to change or “catch up” with the times.
This is not the prophet’s church. This is not the apostle’s church. This is literally The Church of Jesus Christ. Is it possible that these people would like to see Him “catch up” to the times?
This is not to say that there are not some problems within the church membership with regard to the way in which women are treated. There are. I have witnessed them first hand, over and over, and heard hundreds of stories from therapists, law enforcement officials and district attorneys, as well as victims of a pattern of serious error that occurs repeatedly in local leadership, especially with regard to abuse victims.
But, that is a problem due to the imperfection of man, and will not be changed or enacted by “Mormon feminists.”
This issue has been addressed in General Conference by Elder Richard G. Scott, who has often spoken concerning abuse:
As a bishop, when you counsel with a husband and wife who are in marital difficulty, do you give the same credence to the statements of the woman that you do to the man? As I travel throughout the world, I find that some women are shortchanged in that a priesthood leader is more persuaded by a son rather than a daughter of Father in Heaven. That imbalance simply must never occur.
I have seen that imbalance occur over and over again, in many heartbreaking situations. But the Lord’s directive is clear: It simply must never occur.
We have work to do. But, it is not through yet another non-profit organization.
This change will occur as the Relief Society lives up to its privileges.
This change will occur when women raise sons that have “touched not the unclean thing,” and do not grow up immersed in the popular culture of pornography, violence, and moral relativism.
This change will occur when women raise sons who understand the role of woman and how it is to be respected and revered. Not by mere lip service, but because the mother herself understands her role and lives in harmony with God.
Why doesn’t WAVE make that their model for change?
Patricia Holland once said:
When we talk of women’s liberation, we get to the point where we must admit that there is no such thing as absolute freedom or complete liberation from what one innately is. There is only freedom of choice—of what you do about where you find yourself in life. Instead of being liberated, perhaps the protest marchers are only being deceived!
What do we lose as women when we rebel against our God-given role? We lose the delight of being loved as we serve swiftly to meet the need, quietly to sweeten the heart, and purely with sensitive compassion and unique caring qualities.
Though we may not be militant, even being disgruntled at the part we are marked to play can cost us joy and satisfaction and earn us the distrust and disinterest of men. And that is to lose what life is all about….We are what we are and thank God for the differences….
Samuel Johnson’s statement seems applicable here: “Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.”
This leads me to another thought provoking article on the “Future of Mormonism” titled “The Future of Mormon Motherhood.” What is distressing to me is the author’s statement (on this article being picked up by The Washington Post/Newsweek):
Regardless, I am grateful and heartened that Newsweek/The Washington Post chose to publish something that is by a Mormon, about Mormons and accurate about Mormons.
I was very surprised, as I thought her article was completely inaccurate and was actually painful to read. First of all, she starts out with a completely erroneous and condescending stereotype, which I am sure does include a few mothers in the church, but it is definitely not an accurate picture of what I
(or any of my associates) see as Mormon motherhood:
Mormon motherhood has had a distinct look about it for the past fifty or so years: aggressively eschewing any paid work outside the home, a Mormon mother has dinner on the table each night, plans the family’s vacations, camps, extracurricular schedules, while reading or playing on the floor with her children or driving them around in the minivan. She also cleans her own house, faithfully attends every “additional Relief Society meeting,” bakes homemade treats for the sisters she Visit Teaches, and brings meals to the pregnant and the elderly. Reaching deep into the stereotype, she cans fruit, sews quilts, and does her own flower arranging.
From where did she get this “look”? And why did she not, instead, summarize Julie B. Beck’s excellent treatise on the subject entitled, “Mothers Who Know”?
I think Sister Beck is also pretty clear on what the future of Mormon motherhood looks like. But, no, Neylan McBaine sees the future much differently than Sister Beck:
Because Mormon mothers today understand that we are still individuals with unique talents and skills that can and should be used beyond the reproductive abilities of our bodies, we are on a path to becoming a vital force for good as we engage in the world around us. As the founder and editor of the Mormon Women Project, I have a formidable group of volunteers, many of them mothers, who stimulate their minds and serve outside their families by contributing their skills to the MWP. I see many of my peers engaging in worthwhile and fulfilling projects professionally and in their communities, and this leads me to believe that Mormon mothers in the future will constitute a happy, balanced, and productive workforce that engages with the surrounding world and magnifies the best that that world has to offer.
That is very opposite of what I see in the future. As the world becomes increasingly polluted and wicked, my mothering has become increasingly defensive; I am constantly filling the cracks as Babylon’s waves crash incessantly–I am constantly building places of resort and reinforcing walls, as Sister Beck counseled. I simply do not have time for anything else.
(And as an aside, when my husband and I were first married, he and I asked the bishop about working in the temple. He explained to us that the church’s policy is that a mother with children 18 and under will not be called to temple service….can you think of any effort, project, or contribution that is more important than the work of redeeming the dead? It spoke volumes to me on how important Heavenly Father thought it was that I focus my time and effort at home on my children, until they are 18…)
I find it interesting that what I am finding online regarding “Mormonism” and women is that just staying at home is not enough. We must also be volunteering and engaging in worthwhile and fulfilling projects both professionally and in communities. Certainly, just staying at home is not going to “stimulate” our minds.
I love what Sister Holland stated:
This world is not our ultimate home; and while we do have to live here and live here constructively, we are not ever, as Christians, really of this world. And we do not seek its praise. I quote again from President Kimball:
“Among the real heroines in the world who will come into the Church are women who are more concerned with being righteous than with being selfish. These real heroines have true humility, which places a higher value on integrity than on visibility. Remember, it is as wrong to do things just to be seen of women as it is to do things to be seen of men” (Ensign, Nov. 1979, P. 104, paragraph 22.)
This world is not our home. Our hearts must not be set upon things here too much. We must not seek the praise of men more than the praise of God. That is, we must not if we believe the kingdom of God, as we now know it in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is rolling forward under God’s hand so that the kingdom of heaven may come (D&C 65:6). Nothing must divert us from that belief and that mission, to fully realize the triumphant return of the Prince of Peace.
Unless I feel that my children and I are absolutely ready for the return of the Prince of Peace, I should not allow anything to divert me. Not saving the world. Not stimulating my mind. Not Making A Difference. Not a Project.
There are many single and childless women in our midst–they are still mothers (see Sheri Dew’s “Are We Not All Mothers“)–why not let them nurture the world and let those in the midst of motherhood follow Sister Beck’s counsel, to “put our strength in the things that are uniquely ours to do.” (Women’s Conference 2008)? We cannot delegate rearing our children to someone else.
Which leads me to Neylan McBaine’s other thoughts that go completely against what I think faithful Mormon mother’s believe. First, she relates a quotation explaining that children are “economically worthless, emotionally priceless” and then goes on to cite a study that proves that children do not make us happier. She then states:
It will be Mormon mothers who continue to value their children in spite of the fact that they might not make our daily lives “happier.”
I wonder what Neylan’s three young daughters would think about their mother’s article on the future of Mormon motherhood? From where I and other Mormon mothers I know are standing, our children not only make our daily lives happier, they make every moment brighter.
Is this “Future of Mormon Motherhood” viewpoint, as Sister McBaine states, “accurate?” While at first, I balked at the idea, I am beginning to wonder. While perusing various popular blogs on “Mormonism”, including women’s blogs (most of which are decidedly slanted toward the “next generation of Mormon feminism”), I found much effusive praise for the church’s public affairs office and their launch of the new mormon.org. I wondered why they were all so excited about it, so I went to visit. I haven’t been on since I began tentatively filling in my profile. But, what I found was a little discouraging.
Looking at the featured Mormon profiles, I saw a common thread: every woman featured was involved in something professional, popular or volunteerist. Here are excerpts from the featured profiles:
Unstoppable.… “she’s a global public health advocate…an unstoppable [mother] of three kids…”
Having It All… “A painting teacher warned Rose that she was throwing away a promising career as an artist by getting married. A husband, four kids, a beautiful home and a remarkable body of work beg to differ. Rose’s spirituality infuses her work as an artist and a mother.”
Catching The Right Waves…”Joy won the women’s longboard surfing world championship in 2008 because she positioned herself correctly to catch the right waves, just like her father had taught her to do. She uses that same principle in school, at church and in everything else she does.”
I do understand that the church’s public affairs and public relations is doing its part to reach out to the world, but it does feel a bit discouraging when I can find no one who “looks” like what I feel the Future of Mormon Motherhood has been defined to be by the President of my Relief Society. It is difficult to already feel very much alone in defending my family with my choices to stay at home–all the way home–and not volunteer or make “worthwhile contributions”–to then feel like a profile like mine wouldn’t make the cut as a missionary tool.
It was so discouraging, in fact, that I had to find Sister Beck’s talk and watch it again, just to make sure I wasn’t in error. I have watched it, and feel comforted. I am placing it here for others who may feel the same way.
The Future of Mormonism, Part 2: Unity, Charity, and Coming To Terms With LDS Ark Culture will be posted later this week.
{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face because finally, FINALLY someone gets it! I posted about this VERY thing on the mormon.org facebook page and I got so much push back I stopped. Thank you SO MUCH for publishing this and for making those of us who are “all the way home” feel like we have a voice and some worth.
wow, wow, wow…what is happening to us? I find your blog very refreshing, the very thing I have been looking for. I feel very different from all the other Mormon mothers/families around me and it is good to know that I am not alone. As a stay at home mother of five, who bakes bread, cans and would like to learn to quilt, I find those article on “Mormonism” highly offensive, and way off the mark.
I apprecitate your words.
I was once expressing my frustration to someone I highly respect and he said “follow the councel of the scripture, the bretheren and other General auxiliary leaders, they will point you in the right direction. You have to be be strong enough to be peculiar among the peculiar people.” Thanks for being stong enough to stand up for what it right and good.
In reading your blog, and past posts, I am reminded of the parable of the 10 virgins….
You are so right on! I agree with you! The Mormon feminist movement has the alarm bells ringing for me. It is so obvious and I just don’t get why they don’t see it. I guess they just don’t have a very good understanding of the plan of salvation. I have been feeling sorry for the men that they miss out on the glorious role we have and here these women WANT to do the man’s role – and their role too I guess. If they aren’t happy with the true role of a woman, how will they be happy with it in the Celestial kingdom?
That has definitely NOT been the picture of Mormon women for the last 50 years! I graduated from high school over 20 years ago and was embarrassed to admit to anyone, including myself, that I wanted to get married and have children. Our generation of women were raised to be feminists whether we knew it and admit it or not. It has been a part of a culture for too many years to ignore and it will take years, if not a lifetime, to undo the damage the feminist movement has done in my life.
Luckily, repenting, learning and growing are all part of the plan. The women that are involved in these destructive things will learn what they need to learn as we all do eventually and I pray that they can heal from the abuse that has caused a lot of them to feel and behave the way they do.
I used to think I was a feminist. I believed that anyone who supported equal opportunity and an equal voice for women was a feminist. Now I’m not so sure. It seems that I am now an anti-feminist if I advocate for motherhood. Ironically it’s the only purely feminine role.
A few months ago I was searching for blogs or websites to assist me in consciously raising my daughters to be nurturing wives and mothers and my sons to be strong providers and protectors. I had realized I was raising androgynous beings instead of sons and daughters. In an effort to deny my daughters nothing that was available to my sons (and vice versa) I found I was offering them something much less than what God had in store for them – and me. There were many sites by Christians of almost every denomination but where were the LDS voices? While Christian women were extolling the virtues of being a “Titus 2” woman where was the LDS voice advocating we become “mothers who know”? (There are a few – but I mean very few.) Where are the women who are not only happy but overjoyed at the opportunity to stay home full time and dedicate their lives to nurturing their husband and children?
We choose to homeschool our children and I’ve noticed an interesting trend. In the past the most common question I was asked was, “What about socialization” in regards to my children. In the past 12-18 months the question has changed to “What about you? How do you ever get time to do what you want?” Some seem incredulous to believe that this is exactly what I want. This is where I am developing my talents. This is where I believe I can make the greatest impact in the world. But it wasn’t always like that. It took me losing a child to realize what I had. Sadly, many woman are losing their children, by degrees, and don’t even know it.
Thank you, Amy. I know where you are coming from, and I appreciate you sharing this with us.
Amy, I felt the same way too…searching blogs for an LDS voice that was talking about everything that I was feeling in regards to motherhood, homemaking and womanhood. I am glad to say I finally found what I was looking for
Amy,
I can TOTALLY hear what you’re saying! I have felt the same frustration, over and over again. I finally decided to start a blog myself, so back in 2006, I started Old-Fashioned Motherhood at Wordpress. A year later, I switched to using Blogger, but was able to transfer all my old posts. (Thanks to my tech-savvy husband!) http://www.blog.oldfashionedmotherhood.com
There are innumerable blogs by Christian women who are glorifying and ennobling motherhood. We need more LDS voices out there! I urge you and all the ladies here to join us, and let your pro-traditional-motherhood voices be heard!
You are a very good writer– I’d love to read your blog posts!
Thanks, Misfit, for standing for truth and righteousness! {{{hugs}}}
Interesting. When I was in high school I wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice and went to college to do that. I graduated from a good university and worked for many years (serving a mission inbetween) and then got married. Like Lara, I graduated over 20 years ago and I didn’t want to tell people I wanted to be a mom; in fact, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be. I wanted a career.
Well, I got married and had a baby and joyfully accepted the prophet’s counsel to stay home. I have loved it. I feel more “myself” when I am serving my family and doing “feminine” things like baking bread, cleaning, folding laundry and such.
I was talking with my husband the other day and I said I felt like The Anti-Feminist. I wear skirts several days a week, I cook and bake from scratch (even grinding my own wheat, heaven forbid!). I find JOY in doing these things. I feel WHOLE doing these things. I feel like the woman I am supposed to be doing these things. Most importantly, I feel PEACE. This is where I am supposed to be. I am grateful for it every minute of the day and night, even when those minutes are often stressful and trying.
I use my talents to teach my children, to make my home a refuge, to give support and comfort to my friends and family. My education is not wasted. I’m using it the best possible way I can – I am training and teaching my four sons to be honorable, respectful men and knowledgeable citizens of this country.
My mother has worked full-time for over 20 years by necessity. She is the first to tell anyone that the problems her younger children had/have (alcohol, drugs, jail, inactivity in the church) are because she wasn’t home for them like she was with the older kids. She HAD to work, but it took a toll on the family. I know some women have to work. They are the exception, not the rule. Or at least, that’s the way I view it based on my study of the prophet’s counsel.
I want to learn to sew. I approached a woman in the ward who is a professional seamstress. I asked her if she could take an hour or two to show me how to cut out and piece together a pattern sometimes during the day, while her kids are in school. (I can do the machine sewing, I just don’t know how to do the pattern part – my grandma always did that for me.) I even offered to pay her. She refused because she’s too busy making things to sell at craft fairs (Twilight bags and purses and such). I think it’s sad that she is unwilling to share a talent/gift she has to help another. I’m finding this to be true more and more often – people are unwilling to share their talents because they are so busy making money for themselves. We are losing the ability to be self-reliant. That scares me.
Amy’s thoughts were beautiful, and haunting, “It took me losing a child to realize what I had. Sadly, many woman are losing their children, by degrees, and don’t even know it.”
I’ll teach you how to sew! We don’t seem to know how to share our God given talents anymore. You can’t make anything or do anything beautiful these days without someone saying, “You should sell that!” My quilts are not for sale and neither am I. The counsel of the prophets not to work outside the home has been taken to mean it’s perfectly fine to work inside the home for money. No, no, no!!!
Thanks Lara! If I lived any closer I’d be there tomorrow.
I too feel more ‘myself’ when I am doing feminine things like baking or cooking. The things that bring me the greatest joy revolve around fulfilling my feminine role. Funny how that works-we live the gospel and we feel more fulfilled
Oh how I used to rage against my role though! Too many years being taught mixed gender roles caused a lot of confusion. I’m so glad I found a testimony of womanhood and motherhood before I had kids (pregnant with my first now). I don’t want my kids to inherit that same confusion and neither does my husband. I’m so glad we’re both committed to me staying home once the baby is born and raising our kids with the gospel instead of worldly ideas.
Thank you again and again for all you are doing on this website. Thank you for that talk! I’ve been listening to it in bits and pieces all morning and crying my eyes out. It is good to know that we weird ones are not alone. I feel so very sad for the women who think their fulfillment comes by means of the marketplace, by money-making and business and the opinions of others. I have come to motherhood late as I was not married until 30 but I am so grateful that my husband and I are on the same page in this. That we started having children right away, that he thinks there is nothing more important than having me at home with our children. Together we have decided that we would rather live on beans and rice only and squeeze a big family into a tiny space than have me go to work. So, God-willing, I will continue this important, and very-fulfilling work so long as circumstances allow.
When I was in graduate school, and still single, a group of us were studying and chatting and we got to talking about what we might do with our degrees when we were finished with school. I said that I would like to get married and have children and stay home with them. There was a silence, and then one of them said, “so you want to be an extremely well-educated stay-at-home mom?” I gathered all my courage and said yes, steeling myself for some laughter. And there wasn’t any. Just thoughtful nods. If a group of non-member, worldly, hip, academic types can understand and respect that, than why can’t more LDS women, who should know better, also do the same?
I do know a lot of women who do stay home though, and I think we have to not only remain strong in our convictions, but we have to openly rejoice in it. We have to not be ashamed of our pleasure in our children and our simple homely tasks and slower-paced days. We have to be examples of the believers and a support to each other. We need each other’s support very much.
Which brings me to the last thing I want to say about this subject. I have known a lot of women who go to work “for their sanity” as they put it. I have even known many women who do even more desperate things “for their sanity” like get divorced, get frivolous plastic surgery, take up expensive and wasteful hobbies, have affairs, and so much more. We can do increasingly desperate things when we get increasingly desperate. I do think that desperation is real. As mother’s we can often make martyrs of ourselves and get to a state where we feel very empty and very depleted, like we have nothing left to give. The truly tragic thing is that we let ourselves get to that state by neglecting our spirit and testimonies, and failing to find joy in simple pleasures and taking care of our health. I think our generation, as a group, never learned how to take care of ourselves in addition to our children, so that we can take care of our children (and our husbands!) So many of our fellow sisters think they must have very fashionable clothes, or a “fulfilling” career, or a fabulously decorated house to feel better ( and even worse things then when these things don’t help). We have to learn to replenish our spirits with the true gifts from a loving Heavenly Father: time spent with the words of the ancient and modern prophets, time spent on our knees and in deep thought, time spent in nature, or an hour spent in a hot bath or maybe a library doesn’t hurt either. I have come to understand (I’m still learning though!) that I have to be highly protective of my spirit. I only get desperate when I waste my time on things like TV and other things that are not so “best”. But if I concentrate as much as possible on the best–great books, beautiful music, learning new skills, educating myself, etc–then, miraculously, I don’t get desperate. And these things help me take care of my family and do a better job at it too. Sorry I’m rambling! Just something I’ve wished I could share with more people.
Thank you again!
“I do know a lot of women who do stay home though, and I think we have to not only remain strong in our convictions, but we have to openly rejoice in it. We have to not be ashamed of our pleasure in our children and our simple homely tasks and slower-paced days. We have to be examples of the believers and a support to each other. We need each other’s support very much.”
Amen!!!!
Thank you for writing this. I was one of those young women once. I believed I could have it all and then some. I just graduated from law school (BYU law ironically). I planned on having children, just not until my 30s. Somewhere along the line, my heart was softened and my husband and I had a son my 3rd year of school. After that, any excitement for a career was replaced with dread at the prospect of working. Our plan was for me to work for a few years until my husband finished school, but due in part to the economy and in part to following the spirit, I have the privilege of staying at home with my son. I have close friends who say, “great, but what are you doing for you?” or “nice, but that’s not going to be enough for you – you’re going to need some mental stimulation.” Like some of the previous comments, I feel more fulfilled doing this work than I’ve ever been. I know how important it is and I’m glad to have the opportunity.
Thanks for your words. They are music to my ears.
Last year when I listened to the R.S. broadcast with my wife, I was literally in awe of the direction provided. As I contemplate my opportunity and responsibility to work collaboratively with our Ward Relief Society President, I have continual distinct spiritual impressions about how things *should* work, how we can improve, and what our Sisters need.
In reflecting on this post, the comments, and my own thoughts about Sisters in Zion, I am extremely appreciative to each of you, for a multiplicity of reasons.
Thank you for your examples of Motherhood in these latter-days. I’m inspired by your testimonies, evidenced by your actions.
-mr. smith
Megan, thank you for leaving that comment. It was beautifully written and left me inspired to do more. I sometimes forget that the desperate feelings that come over me stem from a desire and need to return to the simplicity of the gospel. Thank you.
Can I just say how much I LOVE and ADORE Sister Beck? I listened to the Conversation with her and her daughters on Mormon Radio (http://radio.lds.org/eng/programs/conversations) when I stayed home from church with a sick one last Sunday. She is exactly who we need leading the Relief Society at this point in time. She is not afraid to “tell it like it is” and spells out what we, as women and mothers, need to be doing.
Thinking over your post I’ve come to the conclusion that many women lose their eternal perspective. I went to Ricks College at 15. When the professors in my department learned that I was getting married (one month after turning 17) they kind of went nuts. Not a single one said congratulations or good for you. They all expressed what a waste it was that I focusing on starting a family instead of going on to get more education. “The rate you are going you could have a master by 21 and a doctorate by 25!” To say I was stunned was an understatement. And these were male professors NOT the female professors! I couldn’t believe that I was hearing this from those who worked at a “church” school. This was back in 1994. All I can say is, I am so grateful for my own parents and grandparents who taught me to keep that eternal perspective regardless of what the world, or other members of the church, say I should do.
I hear ya! I got married at 17, also, to a wonderful returned missionary in the temple, and had almost ZERO support. But, thankfully, I had a wonderful bishop who looked at me with tears in his eyes, and said, “You’re doing this the right way. I’m so proud of you!”
I think you and I can both say, “AMEN!”
Motherhood is the highest work we can ever aspire to! And I’m so thankful that we have such a wonderful opportunity to assist God in the care and nurture of His amazing children!
Misty, you did perfect!
It has been so encouraging to read the thoughts and insights of so many wonderful women! Thank you all so very much.
It has been…different being back at school, drenched in mostly the LDS Ark Culture. That is not to say that there aren’t good people; but it is a very hard thing to be the only one in your class that mentions wanting to be a mother when we are going around the room introducing ourselves.
So often I hear this: “President Hinckley said to get an education. Obviously, we aren’t supposed to sacrifice that just for kids!” It is physically painful to hear that, when I so much desire to have children of my own and understand that the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.
I’ve been studying the apostate Zoramites. It’s amazing the similarities I can see in my own life and in those around me. Paying attention to verses 15-18 of chapter 31, my excellent Book of Mormon teacher guided my class and I to see something: they believed they were chosen…have you ever been told you are “a chosen generation?”
Not that that’s not true!
But chosen for what? To be so wonderful that we don’t need to repent? That, when we are in the spirit world, people will “fall on their knees when they know that President Hinckley was the prophet in our days”? (Yes, I’m making reference to that false teaching that has been spread all over the world like wildfire.)
It’s scary to think about, but I see it all around me. How different are we from the Zoramites?
“No one adequately and properly knows why he needs Christ until he understands and accepts the doctrine of the Fall and its effect upon all mankind.” –Ezra Taft Benson
When I really understand the context of mortality (in that all men [and women!] are fallen, that our nature is carnal, sensual and devilish), I will be starving for the Atonement, hoping and praying that I can have, and keep, a change in my nature.
I think I may have gone on a bit much. I have so many thoughts running around in my mind, and I just wanted to get a few of them on here.
I pray that God blesses all you mothers that truly love their children enough that all the enticements of that evil one can in no way dissuade you from your course.
I’ve personally found a lot of direction from something Brigham Young told his daughter Susa Young Gates, he said:
“Daughter, use all your gifts to build up righteousness in the earth. Never use them to acquire name or fame. Never rob your home, nor your children. If you were to become the greatest woman in this world, and your name should be known in every land and clime, and you would fail in your duty as wife and mother, you would wake up on the morning of the first resurrection and find you had failed in everything; but anything you can do after you have satisfied the claims of husband and family will redound to your own honor and to the glory of God.”
http://womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com/2010/08/mothers-and-careers-age-old-question.html
I think if anything LDS women would do well to learn from our early LDS sisters. They did incredible things– like get women the vote, create a city out of desert, build a hospital, BUT they were first and foremost MOTHERS- that was their most important role and where they determined their success.
I think that LDS women we often times have our priorities backward (I know I did for a LONG time) and see the real glory in recognition from the world when we should be seeking it from God. I know that I used to feel really oppressed by statements that General Authorities made about motherhood and women, I felt like they were generalizing and a bit old fashioned. As I’ve studied and learned more I feel like now my eyes have been opened to great eternal truths and I “see” the vision of who women are and how INCREDIBLE our bodies and our motherhood really is. It is THE MOST important thing in the whole word– that simple. Now I feel like the General Authorities aren’t saying ENOUGH. I want them to be more bold sometimes because I feel like women just aren’t getting it. But they know better than I do.
LOVE that quote by Brigham Young! I’ll be using it in my Relief Society lesson this week…
I gotta say that I agree with you on this. Although I am glad that I checked out the website – one of the articles is an interview with a woman who had only one child. As the mother of one who will likely be our only, I was glad to read about her eperiences in the church with a small family.
I have a hard time with Feminism, because a part of me really doesn’t like being a Mom. I hate admitting that and I feel like less of a person for feeling so, but sooo often my husband comes home and I throw my son at him and check out. Maybe it’s just because he’s 2, but man, this parenting thing has truly been the most bipolar thing I have ever eperienced. We go from snuggling to wanting to murder each other to laughing in an hour or two. It’s crazy. While I don’t particularly want to work, I can’t blame mothers who do. Not really. Because part of me hopes that deep down, maybe I’m not the only one who has a really hard time with motherhood. I’m glad I am able to stay home with my son, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t sometimes think about going back to work and/or school in order to let the childcare fall to someone else once in a while.
PS: I sure love that talk by Sister Beck! I was pregnant when she gave it in Conference and I was crazy hormonal and sick and feeling like I wouldn’t be able to have another pregnancy, so what, Sister Beck thinks I am a horrible Mormon and parent? Now that I am no longer (as) hormonal, and despite my small family, I really love her words and I aspire to be as awesome as she says we should be.
No, you’re not! Motherhood IS very trying at times… And since my experience is pretty much limited to very-young children (my oldest is 6), I am quick to think that it’s especially trying when kids are, um, very-young. It’s so hard when you have to do every blessed thing for you kid(s) – including identifying when they’re hungry and tired! Many days I feel like my candle is burning at both ends… while being rotated over a BBQ, too. Just last night I cried when I found out my hubby was coming home an hour later than I’d expected. Why? Because that was 3600 more seconds until I could “clock out.”
Many a contemplative moment is spent pondering this issue.
“I *should* be happy! I’m living the dream life, home with my beautiful children, supported by a caring husband… Where’s the joy?”
And you know what? I find it when I remember to look for it. I’m still not quite an expert at this, but the more I try to consciously “find joy in womanhood and nobility in motherhood,” (RS theme) the more I see it there.
Even during the stressful times of children who won’t listen and tantrum-throwing-two-year-olds and teething babies – when I remember to take a breath and look into their eyes, I find joy and satisfaction there. Children are full of joy! They want nothing more than to be happy all the time – as if they know it’s what they’re meant for. We just have to teach them the proper way to earn the kind of joy God wants for them.
Admittedly, however, it is MUCH MUCH MUCH for me easier to see all this happiness sparkling around amongst the diaper-changing when I’ve had a good night’s sleep. No joke. I’m more loving, patient, prayerful, quick to feel the Spirit directing me, and willing to read scriptures if I just go to bed early. For me, that’s the magic ticket. For others it might be remember to feed themselves, take their vitamins, or lay off the chocolate.
As mothers, we nurture the next generation, but we really do need to think about how much easier it is to do that when we take good (or at least adequate!) care of ourselves, too.
Best of luck to you! Sending a hug! You really aren’t the only one who finds this difficult.
Being a mother of young kids, is the most difficult part of motherhood (atleast so far, my oldest in now 16.) I think we as sisters need to do so much more to help and support each other in these years when sometimes an hour nap does wonders. My oldest is helping a few young moms out everyweek with just this thing. God needs us to have his children, lets make this the most important part of our lives, personally and collectively.
Mrs. Smith, your remark of needing a good night’s sleep reminded me of this quote from a 1889 Relief Society magazine my friend Meg posted a while ago:
“IN ATTEMPTING to economize strength, how many mistakes are made! How often have we heard a weary housewife exclaim, “I am nearly exhausted, I must take a rest!” Now what does she do? In many cases she sits down and takes up some kind of needlework or perhaps knitting, and thus occupied, she seeks, but does not find rest; it is merely a change of labor, and for a time she feels relieved, but she is not rested.
Every woman should stretch herself prone upon a bed or sofa, for at least one hour during the day; her conformation requires it, and this would be rest.
But I cannot spare the time, says one; you fancy you cannot, try it for two or three weeks, and at the end of that period you will find you have accomplished as much, or more work than you did in the same time, before you took that hour’s rest, in the day, and with less wear and tear of the system. Change of occupation is good for body and mind, but perfect rest is much better. A short time each morning should be devoted to reading; great and good thoughts should be encouraged, and refined tastes cultivated.”
Isn’t that grand? I know I feel better about facing the rest of the day when I can get a period of rest – true rest – right after lunch. I send all eight children to their rooms (the older girls take turns watching the baby) while I lay “prone on the sofa” and rest for at least 1/2 an hour. It really works!
And, Krisis, the most physically taxing time of being a mother is when the children are little. It really wears you out! I won’t say it is the hardest time – because each age comes with its own unique challenges. In that respect they are all hard.
Oh, and you can read all of Meg’s post here: http://journeydiscovergather.blogspot.com/2010/06/prone-on-sofa.html
It is relevant to the conversation going on here about motherhood.
I don’t think that it is a matter of “catching up” as much as the people choosing a lesser law. When you look at history the prophets would introduce a higher law only to have the people be unworthy of it and fight it. The Lord would then take it away and give the people the lesser law. I want the higher law! I want the higher law blessings!
AMEN and AMEN.
Do you think sentiments like this contribute to the shame and guilt mothers who did everything they could feel when their children go wayward? I think that when we say our only calling is “success” in the home then we set up the possibility of judging a mother’s righteousness by her own children’s choices even when we give lip service to agency.
When my daughter died, I felt deep sadness, guilt and shame at some of my choices as a mother and I did feel the need to repent…as President Monson quoted from the King and I, “‘No man is as good a man as he could have been, but this one tried.” I felt I had done everything I could, but with the perspective of eternity before me, I realized that I could have done better.
I think we all know that none of us is as good as we could have been, but shame and guilt, if we DO feel that, should be a brief bridge to repentance. There is nothing wrong with truth leading one to feel guilty or shamed. The wrongness comes when we decide to wallow in those feelings, rather than repent.
Let’s make it clear–the only calling uniquely women’s is the bearing and/or mother nurturing of God’s children. A mother should judge her righteousness as Isaiah did–comparing herself to Christ and His commandments. A mother “will be held accountable to God for the discharge of these obligations.” (see The Family: A Proclamation to the World)
If she prayerfully goes to the Lord and discovers that she could have done better with a wayward child, or she could have made choices to have more influence in that child’s life, she will be led to repent and move forward with faith, relying on mercy and the Lord’s promise that He has paid the price for our imperfections and their consequences as long as we are repentant.
There is a possibility that people will judge foolishly no matter what we do or say. Being honest and truthful regarding what the Lord has said about our responsibility as mothers should set us up for feeling freedom, as we come to know the Lord’s standard and can then repent and be freed from the guilt and shame of which you speak. Until women understand the seriousness of this responsibility, they will continue to feel bad….because they are not knowledgeable unto repentance.
I have seen children come from the most abusive and wicked families choose to be the most righteous and pure of anyone. Conversely, I have seen children from good parents choose wickedness. I believe, from studying the scriptures and the words of the prophets, that these are exceptions.
Conversely, have you considered that when we are continually bombarded with comments from Relief Society sisters about how they and we are not responsible for children’s choices (which, by the way, most of us are not judging one way or the other–most of us have some dysfunction and heart ache in our families, and know better than to cast stones….), there begins to be a feeling that mothers who have chosen to be home and do all we can to influence our children are kind of wasting our lives away, because in the end, our efforts make little difference, because of the caveat “they (our children) have their agency”?
I think the culture of the members of the church has definitely acknowledged these exceptions, almost to the point of negating the fact that in the majority of cases, as many of the prophets have repeatedly said, the influence of a righteous mother can be the difference between spiritual life and death in their children. Here are a few items worthy of consideration:
“Without the devotion and absolute testimony of the living God in the hearts of our mothers, this Church would die” (Heber J. Grant)
“Today I feel that women are becoming victims of the speed of modern living. It is in building their motherly intuition and that marvelous closeness with their children that they are enabled to tune in upon the wavelengths of their children and to pick up the first signs of difficulty, of danger and distress, which if caught in time would save them from disaster.” (Harold B. Lee)
And, then, of course, see Sister Beck’s talk “Mothers Who Know.”
Thank you for responding, sister, and I am sorry for your loss. Two of my five children have now reached adulthood and although they gave my husband and I some cause for concern in their teenage years they are now fully active and have both been married in the temple. I say this because although I often pray about my choices as a mother I have not yet had to deal with the guilt associated with children who choose to leave the church.
That being said, I think you and I will have to disagree about wayward children of faithful members being the exception. I see more of a few dear friends of mine in my ward suffering greatly over the choices of their own children, mothers who chose to pursue motherhood over career. Of course we all make mistakes of which we must repent, but I also know these women to be exceptional mothers.
My point was not to argue with you about our divine roles as women and mothers. Your RS sisters may go out of their way to support these sisters, even, as you imply, to the detriment of the gospel’s message about motherhood. Mine does not — to the point where sometimes I feel I am venerated for having all adult children go through missions and marry in the temple where my sisters are not because their sons have made different choices.
I was honestly asking how we can acknowledge our roles as mothers while allowing that even in the best circumstances some children stray. Didn’t 1/3 of Heavenly Father’s children stray?And thank you, I know the “Mothers Who Know” talk well.
And, just to clarify, I made the same choice to stay home and raise my own children. In no way am I denigrating mothers who have made that choice.
Of course, when I go to church now I cover the ink I received as a teen and refrain from telling stories of drunken escapades at my RS meetings (my husband was part of those times too — we didn’t get sealed in the temple until after the birth of our first son). So, maybe I am feeling guilty for what I put my own mother through. And maybe I wish I could have told her “It wasn’t your fault”.
CLB, thank you so much for helping me understand your point of view a bit better. I did not realize what you were asking, and hope that I did not cause offense. I will try and be more careful in my conversation, although if I am out of line, please call me on it, so I can be better.
I think the best way to acknowledge our role while allowing that some children stray is to give glory to God. If someone attempts to venerate me because of the purity and righteousness of my daughter, I give credit to my daughter’s choice to continually apply the Atonement in her life, and to the Savior for making it possible.
While I may have had a big influence in that, the only reason I was able to have that influence is because of the Atonement and my ability to repent. It all goes back to Christ, and if we constantly acknowledge that with each other, it becomes less about “us” and more about Him.
You mentioned that in your ward, there are more than a few exceptional mothers you know whose children are choosing wickedness.
I have observed that one of the reasons these great mothers are having this experience, is that they do not know or understand the enemy. I have a dear friend, the very best woman I know–she is in her sixties and raised 10 children, many of whom are wayward (in spite of the fact that they marry in the temple, go on missions, etcetera, they are still wayward and have ended up with major messes in their lives). She is the most righteous woman I have ever met. She and I have discussed her situation much…and there are things that have influenced her children that she did not understand:
–The many times X rated environment at public school. My friend was a product of a wonderful public education, and thought very highly of school. She loved it, and for her, it was a place of cleanliness and true learning. That was not the case when she sent her children to school, and she simply never comprehended that public school could be so wicked. (The rise of group/public oral sex being among the biggest problems in her children’s middle school and then, elementary school experience). She never had any idea what she was sending her children to on a daily basis. She did not give them the correct armor, because she did not understand the battle. We’re not talking “Just Say No to Drugs” here.
–The internet and technology. My friend had no concept of how the internet worked, and consequently, her children went online with very little parental guidance. My friend could not comprehend the danger, and did not realize that Facebook, MySpace, and other things generally ended in sexual innuendo. Many exceptional mothers also have a problem when they think they know, but don’t really. (For example, “We have a filter, so I don’t have to worry.”)
–The Pornographic Culture. My friend had no idea how the mall went from a place to buy clothes to a pornographic saturated, materialistic place of debauchery. She did not comprehend that our society went so low….and in her goodness, could not imagine how low. She was too busy to watch television, and did not realize how pornographic it was.
–Sexual Abuse/Rape. My friend did not comprehend the very, very real danger of sexual abuse and rape. Some of her girls were molested by an older brother’s friend, and my friend was oblivious. The girls did not know how to approach their mother, and didn’t until many years after the fact. I have seen this happen often in families where exceptional mothers really cannot comprehend how they are losing their kids. Often, they are unaware of an abuse that occurred, or they were not willing or able to deal with or acknowledge it.
Add to that, the abuse/sex/abusive and sexual conversations that constantly barrage our children in the form of media and other children.
In my friend’s case, the majority of the problems with her children can be traced back to the fact that she simply did not understand or educate herself about the pornographic culture of our society.
I may very well be wrong (I certainly am a great majority of the time!). You may be right, and there may be a problem with the majority of the rising generation going astray, in spite of “exceptional mothers”. If that is the case, then we MUST look at ourselves and consider that we may not be as “exceptional” as we thought.
Are we being deceived? Have we really eschewed Babylon or have we allowed its influence in the lives of our children? Are we holy? Have we taught our children to be holy? Have we turned our tents away from Sodom completely? Or are we still keeping one hand in the world while trying to put our other in the Savior’s? Have we humbled ourselves enough to realize that we don’t know the enemy? Do we practice SINCERE daily repentance? Do our children understand deeply and personally the doctrine of Christ and repentance?
These are questions directed mainly to myself (and, as ever, I am now aware that I need to repent and once again find out where I am being deceived) and are in no way directed toward you–I am just thinking out loud here–you have really caused me to ponder and consider some things I hadn’t thought of before. Thanks for having the courage to post your honest feelings. I truly appreciate your point of view and experiences.
I’ve wondered about the same thing, that even under the most ideal circumstances, in the very presence of God and His plan, a full third of His children nonetheless elected to rebel. And yet, He was a perfect parent! Does that mean we can expect no more than two-thirds of we mortals to follow Him – under the best of circumstances?
I don’t think that’s the case, no. The argument is often used to point out our individual agency, to illustrate that people will stray regardless. However, it fails to consider several important points:
(0) God is successful. The Brethren have been clear that He is good at what He does (the immortality and eternal life of man), so we can have high hopes in His success;
(1) Those individuals on the Earth already made their choice to follow God’s plan, not Satan’s. We mortals are part of the two-third that were already valiant, so we can hope, expect, and work for the salvation of many of those *already* valiant Spirits;
(2) Members of the Church have already proven, before the foundation of the world, their willingness to follow God’s plan, as described in Alma 13 (which, although he’s specifically referring to Priesthood holders, bear in mind the scriptural and modern references that women are not behind men one whit as to personal righteousness!), so we may perhaps have a higher expectation of success within the Church than without; and,
(3) Blessings that come by virtue of obedience to God’s plan, especially the Spirit and His gifts, which are personally crafted to fit individuals’ and families’ needs, especially parents.
So, in response, yes, one-third of our spiritual siblings did rebel. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean we should expect an equal – or even close! – number of mortals to likewise rebel. Instead, I think we can – and should! – have infinitely high hopes for our mortal brothers & sisters, past, present, and future, because He is successful, so as parents we can be, too. My $.02.
Thank your for this. I spent a few years in the past feeling really untalented because I didn’t make anything to sell or have any kind of at-home business. That seems so silly now, but I used to be very concerned with “keeping up with the Joneses.”
Lately, I have abandoned many of the world’s ideas about motherhood, and have also felt blessed by getting back to the basics– staying home most of the time and caring for my children, husband, and home. It is wonderful.
However, it seems that as I grow a little closer to the “ideal” way of doing things, there is a greater discrepancy between my life and the lives of others around me. The unfortunate consequence of this is that I find myself making judgements about others. I try as quickly as I can to change my thinking, so my thoughts go something like this:
“Wow! I’m surprised that she would wear something like that to church. I guess it covers everything, but it is so tight and draws so much attention to her body!” (Feeling good about my own modest long skirt.) Then I immediately try to change my thinking so that I am being charitable. “Oh, but she certainly has a talent for putting together an attractive ensemble, and she does a nice job of always fixing her hair. I bet her husband appreciates her attempts to look nice. And she certainly seems to do a wonderful job being patient with those 4 young children!”
or
“Why in the world does that stake president drive such an expensive sports car? That seems frivolous!” I’ll replace those thoughts with “Well, he’s obviously worked hard in his career. Maybe his job is one that requires him to have a nice car to impress clients. I’m sure he donates lots of money to worthy causes. We all spend excess money on things sometimes.”
These are small examples, but they transfer to many other areas. As you can see, I try my hardest to think charitably, but that doesn’t change the fact that my initial thought was a “judgement.”
This makes me feel terrible. As I escape worldly influences, I want to feel more charitable, not less!
How can we ensure that we are becoming more Christlike and not Pharisaical in our thoughts?
I have been pondering this very thing and here’s what I have come up with so far. We were made to judge. God judges and we were created in the likeness of Him and to become Gods ourselves. We need to learn to make righteous judgments. Every day we judge hot or cold, night or day, good or bad. I don’t think it is something I can stop my mind from doing. The one thing I must not do is judge intent. If my neighbor is dressed immodestly I can remind myself not to judge her intent, good or bad. That doesn’t stop me from feeling uncomfortable and not want my children around her. Unfortunately there is too much immodesty at church for us to be able to avoid it hence the great discrepancy between our life and the lives of others around us, as you said.
It is Satan that tells us we shouldn’t judge anything at all, that there is no good or bad. He tells us that we must think we are better than others or we wouldn’t be judging at all. It’s just more of his lies.
I love this! C, I was dying laughing, not at you, but because I seriously could have written your comment. I just found out one of my old college school friends, who is married to a man I once dated, has just finished her SECOND novel, has a 3 year old, and just barely turned 30. Meanwhile I am about to turn 34 and while I do have 2 kids now, I definitely have not done anything wonderful like write a novel. Oh and she has a wedding photography business. So I spent a few minutes feeling a bit like chopped liver, then I remembered that I don’t want to do those things! I LOVE to be home. I love to be chill and relaxed with my family in our own little fortified world. And as I get a closer and closer to the ideal I find myself judging and have thoughts almost exactly like yours. One of my favorite things to tell myself is that we are all at different places on our personal journey to the Savior and that the Stake President (to borrow your example) is probably much better at scripture study than me while I am probably better at not needing a flashy car. lol.
And Lara, thank you! that makes me feel a lot better. We are practicing making small judgments of right and wrong for ourselves but we must always remember that only our Heavenly Father knows every single thing about that person. Only when we have that same depth of knowledge and understanding can we really judge anybody. For now we are just judging actions and for the most part we can keep that to ourselves. And possibly on something like a blog with all the names changed!
I also have a hard time just knowing how to righteously judge a situation or an idea, and not the person. I have a hard time with flashy clothing and jewelery (Isaiah scriptures keep coming to mind, and I just always want to ask them how they justify so much time and money spent on finery and costly apparel.) But I try to keep my judegements to the idea and not the person. Some of my real good friends are pretty snazzy dressers, and I don’t really even think about it around them anymore.
What perfect timing for President Monson’s talk tonight, eh sisters?
As a side-note, I wish there was another word for “judge.” That way the “judge ye righteous judgement” could have a different word than, “Judge not,” which our prophet tonight clearly asked of us.
In my mind it’s all about stewardship. We should – we must! – be judges within our spheres of stewardship: as individuals, as parents, as spouses. I must judge my thoughts, words, and actions. I must determine how to teach my children and how to nurture my marriage. Those require judgment.
Within our callings, we have need for judgment: how to instruct our Primary class, how to relate with a troubled youth, how to teach gospel doctrine call, how can I improve library efficiency, emergency preparedness, et cetera. In all these cases – as with ourselves, children, and spouse – we must ask for and rely upon His guidance in our judgment, to be sure. But we must judge within our sphere. He expects as much, does He not? “Study it out in [our] minds” … and then ask Him if it be right? That is to judge.
We need *not* judge outside our stewardship.
I do think that sometimes the word “judge” has too many meanings. In my own mind, I’ve been trying to understand the difference between “judgment” versus “discernment.” That is helpful to me.
I stumbled across a blog post/discussion at Segullah, which also offered some insights for those who are interested:
http://segullah.org/daily-special/judge-not-or-should-we/
I thought this lovely poem nicely captures the divinity and the peaceful joy-filled moments of motherhood:
The Kingdom
By Bertha A. Kleinman
If I would fathom the miracle
Of God’s magnanimity,
I need but serve at the oracle
Where my little child trusts in me!
If I would reason His Providence
With logic pro and con,
I need but treasure the confidence
My children build upon.
If I would travel the Holy-land—
I need not travel far,
For the Kingdom borders near at hand
Where the feet of the children are.
If I would merge my trust supreme
In the might of His diagram,
I need but soar on my children’s dream
And be what they think I am.
(She also wrote “I Have Two Little Hands” which is a delightful song to sing to little ones after they’ve been disciplined, or as a reminder to help them keep from being disciplined)
Thank you, thank you for your reply. I feel infinitely grateful to count you among my sisters in Zion knowing that we are all moving towards the same goal — to be more Christ-like in our thoughts and actions. This will be my last post, I am sorry to be taking up so much space with my own thoughts.
Originally I had been wondering about how we let our sisters know that their value is shown in the righteousness in which they raise their children but not devalue them when their children choose wickedness, as you put it.
Now, you have me thinking about why children stray. Although the reasons for straying are probably legion, I can look at my own (and my husband’s) experience for personal insight. For myself, as a teen, I can say the main reason was physiological. I was self medicating with alcohol/drugs for a very real anxiety disorder. The desire to escape the world was stronger than a desire for a temple endowment, and I don’t know how my parents could have prevented it.
I know my mother prayed fervently for me to repent and when I did she gave all the credit to God as you so elegantly put it. That being said, I am reticent to share that story for the reason I stated at the beginning of the post — would I be implying that other mothers have not been praying enough when their children have still not recognized their error?
And, in no way did I mean to imply that the majority of our young people are straying from the church.
Thanks you again , to everyone, for sharing your insights. I know that as we all work towards understanding each other and the gospel better we grow in our love of the Lord.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and insight. I think there are many sisters who will benefit from your words.
I see clearly the intent of your remarks and have a lot MORE to think about. I have learned a lot from you, and will take to heart ehat you have expressd, not only in my future writing on the subject, but in my own life. You have made me richer today. I am grateful.
What a tremendous discussion on motherhood and our roles. How blessed we are to have a living prophet at the helm and a General Relief Society President in Sister Beck who is faithful and bold in expressing clearly what our roles as women and mothers are and should be. Hearing the truth is not always easy, but when it pierces the heart and finds nurture in the soul it can change lives and generations – bringing thousands unto Christ. On the other hand, not hearkening will only bring despair and destruction.
I believe that there is an ideal on mothers and motherhood. There should be an ideal, but because we are mortal none of us live that ideal all the time. We are given counsel and direction and whether it has been over 75 years ago or at last April Conference, I believe that ideal has not changed for women even if there are those who think it has.
I also believe that while each of us are striving to do what is best for our families, there is always much room for improvement. What challenges may beset one family will not effect another. To make a blanket statement that public school is evil or that going to mall will turn someone to fornication is probably too strong, but I will not deny that it can happen and does happen if mothers do not or will not provide their children with the Armor of God! We are our children’s Primary Care Provider, if we don’t do what we have been directed to do, we then leave our children to chance and we all know what can happen when we play Russian Roulette.
I love these clear, bold words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (General Conference, May 2003):
“In offering such a prayer for the young, may I address a rather specific aspect of their safety? In this I speak carefully and lovingly to any of the adults of the Church, parents or otherwise, who may be given to cynicism or skepticism, who in matters of whole-souled devotion always seem to hang back a little, who at the Church’s doctrinal campsite always like to pitch their tents out on the periphery of religious faith. To all such—whom we do love and wish were more comfortable camping nearer to us—I say, please be aware that the full price to be paid for such a stance does not always come due in your lifetime. No, sadly, some elements of this can be a kind of profligate national debt, with payments coming out of your children’s and grandchildren’s pockets in far more expensive ways than you ever intended it to be.
“In this Church there is an enormous amount of room—and scriptural commandment—for studying and learning, for comparing and considering, for discussion and awaiting further revelation. We all learn “line upon line, precept upon precept,” with the goal being authentic religious faith informing genuine Christlike living. In this there is no place for coercion or manipulation, no place for intimidation or hypocrisy. But no child in this Church should be left with uncertainty about his or her parents’ devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Restoration of His Church, and the reality of living prophets and apostles who, now as in earlier days, lead that Church according to “the will of the Lord, … the mind of the Lord, … the word of the Lord, … and the power of God unto salvation.” In such basic matters of faith, prophets do not apologize for requesting unity, indeed conformity, in the eloquent sense that the Prophet Joseph Smith used that latter word. In any case, as Elder Neal Maxwell once said to me in a hallway conversation, “There didn’t seem to be any problem with conformity the day the Red Sea opened.”
“Parents simply cannot flirt with skepticism or cynicism, then be surprised when their children expand that flirtation into full-blown romance. If in matters of faith and belief children are at risk of being swept downstream by this intellectual current or that cultural rapid, we as their parents must be more certain than ever to hold to anchored, unmistakable moorings clearly recognizable to those of our own household. It won’t help anyone if we go over the edge with them, explaining through the roar of the falls all the way down that we really did know the Church was true and that the keys of the priesthood really were lodged there but we just didn’t want to stifle anyone’s freedom to think otherwise. No, we can hardly expect the children to get to shore safely if the parents don’t seem to know where to anchor their own boat. Isaiah once used a variation on such imagery when he said of unbelievers, “[Their] tacklings are loosed; they could not … strengthen their mast, they could not spread the sail.”
“I think some parents may not understand that even when they feel secure in their own minds regarding matters of personal testimony, they can nevertheless make that faith too difficult for their children to detect. We can be reasonably active, meeting-going Latter-day Saints, but if we do not live lives of gospel integrity and convey to our children powerful heartfelt convictions regarding the truthfulness of the Restoration and the divine guidance of the Church from the First Vision to this very hour, then those children may, to our regret but not surprise, turn out not to be visibly active, meeting-going Latter-day Saints or sometimes anything close to it.”
Thank you for your thoughts and for being a voice for mothers who need to knowledge that there are others – many others – who stand together in the same testimony!
What a wonderful discussion….
I just want to go back to a point in Misty’s post. The part in the beginning about interpreting the prophet’s council to fit our own needs and also the point about “if we hold out long enough” the position of the church will change. Whoa! This is screaming with warning bells to me!
A reason the church’s standard has perhaps loosened is because, after they cried out to us to repent and we did not, the leadership had to lower the law. Just as the Israelites couldn’t live the higher law we are struggling to maintain the law in regards to our family.
It makes me so sad to know how many laws we are not able to live right now. We are suppose to be the chosen generation. What is happening to us? We are being deceived! Society’s tentacles are so tightly wrapped around us that we can not see clearly the deceptions of Satan. We are believing his messages that we need independence, “our time,” a career to fulfill ourselves, equality, blah, blah, blah….
When I was pregnant with our first child I worked in a large doctor’s office in Provo beside the hospital. All the women nurses and many patients would ask if I was going to work after the baby was born. I would say, “I don’t think so.” (You see I was scared to say I want to go home and raise my baby). They would say, “That’s nice, but you should work at least part time just so you can ‘get out of the house’ everyday because you deserve it.” When our baby was born my husband lost his job because of a recent military injury. Since he was unable to work I went in to do a shift. The entire four hours I was there I was sick at heart. God was pleading with me that I was doing the wrong thing and that I must go home! As soon as the shift was over I went to my supervisor and quit on the spot. I never went back. That night we cried. We knelt in prayer. We repented and promised Heavenly Father that we would keep His commandment for mothers to not work. We kept that promise. We struggled hard. Now we have amazing blessings and time flexibility to do anything we want (vacation for weeks on end and run for public office). We have had reassurances that we have been blessed because we kept that promise. It is hard though! I know that when we submit and exercise faith God will help us keep the commandments and we will begin to reclaim our privileges.
I had a female friend once who wanted to accept a job offer as a coach. She prayed about and said she felt “good about it.” Half way through the season I asked how it was going. She said, “I haven’t admitted this to anyone, but I did the wrong thing.” I asked why when she had been so confident with her revelation before. She sighed and said, “Yes, I did receive an affirmative answer. But that answer was received after I had asked two other times if I could and those time the answer had been no. I am living the Martin Harris/lost pages example right now. I prayed until I got the answer that I wanted.” I have thought about that a lot. Do I pray continuously even after the Lord has told me no, hoping for that yes?
Another friend once said, “All our financial troubles started when I started working. Before yes, it was tight, but it only got worse after I started. It was this black hole that we’ve never been able to get out of.”
Sorry I’m rambling. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. There is a trend in Zion to discredit the prophets and wrestle the scriptures to our own condemnation. Satan truly is lulling us away into carnal security!
Thanks Misty for another thought provoking post.
Oh, I am so happy to finally be having this conversations with my Sisters.
Thankyou so much Misty for providing this forum for us.
I feel like I am going to be bullet pointing a book that I should be writing, but here are my thoughts:
About seven years ago, I began the journey of feminist to feminine with a beautiful Christian website called ladiesagainstfeminism.com. It made me start to question some of my own erroneous thoughts that I had been indoctrinated with in Public School- ie that I needed to go and accomplish a lot outside of my home. Of course, being a “dutiful mormon” girl, I was “sacrificing” by staying at home with “mindless child speak” with our first three children. Soon they would be able to go to school and I could be free to start my real life.
After that first website, I started to see a different way. And it was like coming home. It was what I should have been hearing. It was truth.
I have since enjoyed books, essays and documentaries from Visionarydaughters.com, largefamilymothering.com, awisewomanbuildsherhome.com, titus 2 (mentioned previously,) and they were amazing and inspiring, and true. But where were the voices like these from the LDS? Why was I having such a hard time having this conversation with sisters in my own ward? Why was I the only one finding peace and beauty in these biblical principles? Was I being misled? Was I not progressing? And then I found out about the “mormon feminist” blogs. These were reported to be the new voice of the LDS women. I read for awhile, but mostly just felt angst and stress, and doubt.
Still, always on aquest for truth: I just asked God to really bless me with understanding through the scriptures. Within a couple of days, I reread Lehi’s vision – notice “Lehi, is at the tree inviting the family to partake, not Sariah, nagging everying.” Then to the words to Emma Smith – all of her calling was to support her husband. And other very profound and personal spiritual experiences.
These are the ideas that I have adopted and found much peace in through this journey of searching, pondering, praying and fasting.
-Righteous Patriarchy is God’s governement. We are either in it, or out of it.
-My husband is my head through Christ. I look to support him in everything he does. I use my talents and gifts to further his vision (in which, he constantly councils with me for direction and advice) for our family. I get to do a lot of amazing and fun stuff within the context of my family and home. It is not at all limiting, but amazingly exhilerating and full of eternal purpose. I sometimes find myself doing things that help our family financially, because my husband has asked me to. We actually try to do a lot of family enterprising, it’s sort of an idea that just comes with being a farm family. It includes everyones, everyone has some gift to offer.
-The most important part of “our” vision for our family is a biblical posterity where children are the heritgage our Father gives us, his most wonderful and eternal gifts and responsibilities to and for us. We are no longer limiting our children, but relying on the Lord for his providence in taking care of them. Heritages of the Lord, are not just merely provided physical needs, and then entertained so they stay out of the way – they are pondered and prayed over, they are trained, molded, corrected, educated,encouraged, disciplined, and LOVED. They are the blessings that have brought us to our knees in the deepest humility, they are the blessings that have made the LORD more real to us than anything else ever could. Why- because raising children is DANG HARD, and it requires the sacrifice of all. But in the scheme of things, I know the LORD would much rather have me willing to birth more “BICS,” than having a new couch. And He does provide the sanity, and the means, and the health when you are truly willing to submit all to HIM.
-MAKING HOME is the most important earthly pursuit. Everything else that is done, like husbands having to go into Babylon, is only to build up Zion in the home.
-Public Schools do our daughters a huge disfavor by giving them they idea that to be successful, they need to be involved in “obtainined money,” and that they need to be stressfully busy all day long. Real motherhood is actually fairly slow paced, methodical, spiritual, ritualistic.
-Submitting to your husbands brings amazing blessing to marriages, to his spiritual growth, and to your ability to develop that “meek and gentle spirit.”
-Feminism was a “progressive, communistic” propaganda idea to get women out of their homes, so that the government could be the main partriarch of society. Read So Much More by E&AS Botkin. Wonderful book.
I do have a little disclaimer if you want to call it that. I have always been surrounded by men who loved, respected, cherished and protected me. They have all revered my opinion, talents, and gifts. For those who have not been so fortunate, I can understand how these ideas might seem very uncomfortable and scary to you. I have not the wisdom to know what to say, other that that Gods ideals are for everyone, and somehow through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, he can make you capable of living whatever law He has set forth as His standard.
Maybe someday I’ll write this book.
Thank you so much for this post. It is so comforting to know all of you are out there striving to live the way Heavenly Father needs us to live as His daughters. We have so much to give and we only can give it through the right and proper channels of our innate femininity. We have the power within us to change the world, to help awaken the sons of God, to flood the world with truth and to find JOY immeasurable as we accept and apply our inherent gifts and talents. We can do these things only as we embrace who we truly are and put our roles of wife and mother first always.
My husband called me home after a long absence serving the world in a service group. I gave my all to that group and had nothing left to give to my family. I thought they should support me because I was helping others. I missed the mark. Only now that I have been home have I come to see my true worth. I couldn’t have found it any other way. I had to stay home, stay still, submit to Heavenly Father and wait. The blessings have been overwhelming. I am happier than I have ever been, because I am learning the power of influence I have as I am true to my divine nature as a daughter of God. The longer I stay home and stay still the more I know who I am and the more I can be good, pure, innocent and happy. What a blessing!!
Thank you all for chiming in and cheering on the daughters of God. We love the Lord and want to do all we can, in the only true way we can, to help further His work. Never give up or give in to the enticements of those in the “tall and spacious building” for it must fall and “great shall be the fall thereof.” Never be afraid to stand for truth and righteousness. “On…on to the victory.”
Misfit, the night before you posted this I was researching feminism and Mormon women for a post of my own down the road…my husband came home to me bombarding him with large amounts of information on the subject, poor guy. I laughed the next day when I got around to checking your blog!
I called my husband and said, “you’ll never guess what Misfit wrote about today!”
I am blessed to have grown up with a mother who never worked and had read (and left lying around) books like Mary Pride’s _The Way Home_. I truly believe that if LDS women knew the history of the Feminist movement that they would be apalled…at least, I hope they would be!
One of Satan’s techniques is the old “divide and conquer” strategy; dad is off to work, kids to various schools with various schedules and mom is off to work, volunteer, ect. I know I am far less effective when I am running all over the place. I have had to learn to guard our home-time as sacred.
I was on my husband’s Facebook profile the other day to find an email address (he uses it to find people he knew on his mission) and came across a cousin who commented: “just dropped G. off at daycare (2 month baby) but don’t have to go in to work today so I’ll get some stuff done around the house and have a break”…
I have another friend who is a single mom after a heart-wrenching divorce who balls as she drops her little one off at a sitter’s so she can provide for her children. I couldn’t help think of her when I read the above comment from cousin. It really is tragic.
I think we all have moments when we want to get away from it all. At least for an afternoon, right? However, when we fail to keep a long-term perspective and live in the moment, we may find ourselves less and less satisfied with the blessings we already have!
The past few years have been tough ones financially for our family. We are living in a 700 sq ft studio with our family of six and yet I have never considered getting a job of my own, nor has my husband encouraged me to do so. We have literally lived on rice and beans and while I am hopeful for the future, I have no knowledge of when things will be better. And yet! I get to stay with my children, teach them, love them, hold and cuddle them! I have been spending my Sunday mornings alone with my newborn son as my husband takes the other three to church. I have used that time to listen to conference addresses, read and ponder. I’ve also watched all of Sister Beck’s women’s conf. talks (man, are we on the same wavelength or what?). It has helped me refuel and move forward, knowing this is where I need to be.
I have to say that I really enjoy this blog. It fills a void–all these subjects are things that are dear to my heart (or things that fill my heart with dread, depending) but that I rarely get to discuss other than with my husband and parents. I was telling my husband that I wish I lived wherever this little circle of women was and he replied that the Lord has to salt the whole earth, so some of us are spread thin, lol. (A compliment to you ladies.)
Something else that I think is missed by mothers who work just for the sake of it, is that they are actually decreasing their husbands pay scale. Because of the huge percentage of two income families, employers can pay people ( men and women) less. Afterall, most households are kept afloat by two paychecks. Several decades ago when the norm was for husbands to be the main income earner, their salaries were higher compared to the cost of living. Now that many women have insisted on working for their own “personal fullfillment” one income is not what it used to be and some women “have” to work or prayerfully learn how to do with much less. Ironic that all the hoopla about women having freedom and choice to pursue their careers has lead to less choice and freedom for everyone.
That’s true. ..also because women are considered a “minority” in the workforce they are also sometimes hired over men not on merit but on “equal opportunity” employment…
Which doesn’t change the fact that women are leaving the church in droves. Losing 80% of all unmarried women from 18 to 30 is pathetic performance. How will you teach them what is “right” is Relief Society holds out no vision that calls to them?
No women should settle for marriage just to be married. No woman should settle for a second-class status disguised as faux “respect for womanhood/motherhood.”
Nobody has to tell the priesthood holders that they are important to the church. Does no one ever wonder why the women need to be told? Does no one ever wonder why the women don’t believe they are important to the church and to God?
Just for the record, that “80% between 18-30″ statistic also holds true for the number of single men lost to the church. That age is a pivotal time for young adults and it is (unfortunately) all too easy for people to slip through the cracks. There are many reasons this happens.
I don’t wonder why women need to be taught again and again about their divine nature and their worth to God. I look around at the world and I see nothing but shallow, hollow messages telling girls as young as 5 that their worth is based completely on their physical appearance. That message only gets louder and more vulgar as these girls get older.
I see the world blurring the roles of men and women so that all you hear is that there IS no difference between the two.
I see every kind of perverted and immoral message telling women they are both worthless and superior to everyone and everything else, entitled to whatever they want and at the same time only able to find happiness in a size C+ bra and size 2 jeans.
No, I don’t wonder for one second why the prophets of God tell us repeatedly what real respect, virtue, and love look like. I don’t mind one bit that they keep reminding us of the beauty of nurturing children and being feminine — not weak for one instant, but feminine. As far as I can tell, there aren’t many voices elsewhere delivering that message.
And so I hope they keep teaching us *all* of our true nature as children of God, both women and men. Yes, they need to hear it, too. I hope that the frightening, saddening statistic drops dramatically as people serving and teaching in the Church stop trying to mirror the world and focus instead on our Savior Jesus Christ.
Wow, that was longer than I intended.
Amen. What she said.
You know, I’ve never wondered why women were told they are appreciated in the Church–it never occured to me to be offended by it, or even take especial notice of it. I have heard the women of the church express gratitude to the priesthood bearers as well…I feel that these expressions of gratitude/appreciation are reciprocal and completely natural, not something feigned.
A woman’s divine role is like any other facet of the Gospel–one needs to seek prayerfully for a testimony of it.
Here’s a link to the transcript of an excellent talk by Valerie Hudson Cassler about the importance of the “woman’s part” and the “man’s part” of The Plan. I found it inspiring.
http://www.fairlds.org/FAIR_Conferences/2010_The_Two_Trees.html
Oh my goodness I can’t help but feel “at home” here! Thank you all for not being afraid to share your thoughts on this. I think if Mother’s who know aren’t afraid to act like they know it will help other mother know, If you know what I mean!
Thanks again!
Misty
New follower of your blog. You say so many things that I think are spot on I want to say “Yes, everyone needs to hear this!” Other things I don’t agree with as much, but I enjoy reading what you have to say. I feel like I have found a friend.
I love your phrase “model for imminent destruction.” And I love the comments about following a higher law. I think that is very true. I think that interpreting statements by General Authorities isn’t all bad. It can be an insightful form of personal revelation, isn’t that why we so often listen to their words?
Working outside the home is something that I easily get on my soapbox about. So here we go…
I strongly feel that EVERY person should acquire some useful education or skill. The are too many what-ifs to do otherwise. Husbands can leave, die or become disabled and circumstances may render the ideal of the woman staying at home completely impossible. Some woman don’t get married and it drives me crazy the single women who sit in their parents’ basements unemployed and uninvolved, waiting for Prince Charming to show up, at which point they will immediately start their happy family. Things don’t always work out as blissfully as we would like. You need to be doing, not waiting in the mean time.
Through personal revelation I felt directed to obtain a education (and not in the area of my first choosing either). I managed to finish my nursing degree while I was pregnant with my first child. It has been a tremendous blessing in my life and the life of my family. While my husband was going to school I worked the minimum hours that I could get away with. When he started working full-time I cut down to one day a week. When he decided to go back to school again I was easily able to work more to provide for our family.
Now don’t get me wrong. I love being home with my family. It is the most important thing that I do. I love cooking, reading to my children, and at times even cleaning. I wish I could be at home more. Being a mother is a glorious occupation.
However, even if after my husband finishes school and we move up a few notches on the income ladder, I will never stop working (although I’m counting down the days until I can work less). I don’t work for ‘my sanity’,'desperation’ or great vacations. I work because the Lord blessed me with the skills I have so I could in turn bless the lives of others. And I have been able to use my nursing skills to bless my family on a regular basis also.
I remember when the talk “Mothers Who Know” was given. I loved it. It was music to my ears. I know there were many who were offended by it, but she was just reiterating things that have been said by prophets before. It does however bother me when people point fingers and judge. ‘Didn’t you hear Sis. Beck’s talk? You should stay at home with your children.’ or ‘You really need to change your priorities’. What I do is between myself, my husband and the Lord, and there are people who should be less critical of what I do and be grateful that myself and my co-workers (most of whom are also mothers) are trained and available to provide care when it is necessary.
I do think that more women would find happiness and peace in their families if they relished their roles as mothers. Home is the place to fight the evils of the world. It is the place to build strong people who will make a difference. It is the place to love, nurture and teach. But if for whatever reasons women are working outside the home it is not my place to judge.
Have you ever read Fascinating Womanhood? I wrote a book review about it awhile back. It’s by an LDS woman and she talks about reveling in our roles as mothers. I think you would probably find it interesting.
http://secretsofmom.blogspot.com/2010/03/book-review-fascinating-womanhood.html
I have many other thoughts about this topic, but I have small children who need my attention.
Heather–nice to meet you! Thank you for sharing your viewpoint.
I was in a “what if” situation myself. My husband, a pornography addict and adulterer, left me to live with his girlfriend and I was alone with a baby. While I could have done many things, I chose to stay at home with my baby. I am an intelligent, well educated person, and it was truly a sacrifice to go without, but I relied on God to provide for me, and He did, in many miraculous ways.
On the other hand, I have a friend who lost her husband when she was in her late 30′s. A few years before he died, she felt very strongly that she needed to get her teacher’s degree up to date (she had been a stay at home mom for many years). She did, and when he died, she was able to immediately obtain employment. I saw the Lord leading her that way very clearly. I believe we are all unique.
I have another friend whose husband committed suicide and left her with three little ones. Everyone encouraged her to get a job. She had a four year degree, but couldn’t find work. She tried many odd jobs, based on everyone’s advice from church. Finally, she realized she just wanted to be at home with her children. God provided for her from then on.
I think it all goes back to personal revelation and withholding unrighteous judgment.
I, personally, have never met a girl who is living in her parent’s basement waiting for Prince Charming. While that may have been the case 30 years ago, I think it is an outdated notion. 100% of the young women, young single adult women, and older single women I know are actively pursuing skills, hobbies, education, and vocations…many of them do not expect Prince Charming, and some of them don’t even care to meet him. But, that is my personal experience, thanks for sharing your view that there are women out there like that. I can see how that would be frustrating to watch them wasting away!
Incidentally, my daughter (who is 25), spent several years at home after she turned 18 and before attending college. The exceeding amount of judgment from others was astounding–many thought she was dumb (she has an IQ of a genius and is now a 4.0 student at BYU Idaho in Animal Science), some thought she was lazy, boys wouldn’t date her because she wasn’t working and didn’t have anything monetarily to bring to the table (I am not kidding–she was told this by the young single adult men in her ward), and she didn’t participate in most of their activities because they were at best inane (making bombs out of soda bottles, toilet papering…these are 20-30 year olds), and at worst completely against the Lord’s standards (going to the beach or forest and “hooking up”, pairing off and making out/having sex)…perhaps people thought of her as “unemployed and uninvolved”. Why was she doing this?
Well, after lots of prayer, her answer was that this was the time she needed to learn to mother. She spent those 4 years finding out her strengths and weaknesses in family life, learning how to cook (she later became head cook at a youth camp over 100 people!), and immersing herself in the scriptures and personal development. She was a prolific reader, studying the greatest classics of all time as well as textbooks and other things she found interesting. She developed a resolve not to “settle” for anything less than what the Lord wanted for her. I cannot tell you how many times people at church told her she needed to go to school or date more.
In due time, she received blessings that directed her that it was the right time to attend school. She applied for and was accepted to BYU Idaho, and has been attending and doing remarkably well. She knew who she was and what God expected of her at school, so unlike many of the 18 year old freshman.
It’s not my stewardship to tell other mothers to stay at home. However, when I see a woman who takes on a part time job “just in case” that turns into a part time career, and watch her lose her kids, I can see clearly that the counsel to mothers to be the ones to nurture our children at home is inspired and prophetic, although I know there are, heartbreakingly in our day, exceptions to this rule because of the wickedness of men….
When the “just in case” never materializes, the woman is left with a fulfilling career and kids who are caught up in the pornographic culture that is all around us…and she can’t understand why the family falls apart years later. I have seen it too many times to count–and it causes me great pain for these families I love so much.
I am an advocate for midwifery, which generally comprises mothers who work outside the home. Many of them have felt it was a calling from God to do what they do. I believe that for many of them, it is. I, myself, thought briefly about becoming a midwife, but Heavenly Father said no. I believe that most mothers who have chosen (usually through much prayer) to take the risk of not having a “just in case” completely appreciate what you are doing and respect your right to personal revelation for your family. I do.
Thanks for posting from a different perspective–it helps to keep things objective, and helps me to see things in another light. I look forward to getting to know you better.
I appreciate your comment. A formal education and getting “a job” are not the only way to obtain skills. There is much to be learned from reading, studying and talking with other people. And I agree that there are many people who would do better to do a little time finding themselves before going to school rather than wasting lots of time and money switching back and forth between majors.
I wish that young girls sitting in their basements was a thing of 30 years ago. I can think of at least 4 who are either my relatives or in-laws of good friends (and there are a few others that I wonder about), and we’re not talking 18 year olds either, more like 30 year olds who are unemployed and uninvolved. I know that the single scene is rough, especially in Utah when you’re over 25. I have many AMAZING single friends and it breaks my heart that they have such a hard time finding descent guys (believe me I’m worried about the single adults in the church), but there are some people who would be well benefited to get a job or gain a skill. But I should probably be less judgmental.
And now that my kids are in bed I’m going to get on my soapbox again. Feminism and motherhood. There is a part of me (do I dare say it?) that is a feminist. Not that I have the same “equality agenda”, but I do get boiling when women are belittled or ill- treated because they happen to lack a y chromosome. I believe that true feminism is appreciating the value of women. And to me that is a huge part of the family and the Plan in general.
Did you read the post on “Women in the Scriptures” on Concubine in Judges 19? It’s a good one. http://womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com/201009/concubine-in-judges-19.html That’s the kind of stuff that makes me upset. Murg, I don’t think words can describe how angry that kind of stuff makes me. And the problem is it’s not just a problem in Darfur. It’s a problem here and now. In “good LDS families” even (although generally not to that extreme). There are husbands who abuse their wives and don’t find anything wrong with it. Their are neighbors and priesthood leaders who look the other way. The damage that is done to those women, not just physically, but emotionally to them and their children, oh it’s sad. Anyway if there was a cause that I think the feminists should run with, that would be it. Domestic Abuse and Rape. But of course that’s not how Satan works, is it? (Yes, I know there are a few good women’s advocacy groups out there, but it is still a problem.)
Another “feminist topic” that I can riled about is pornography. I know that pornography is more than devaluing and belittling women, but that’s a HUGE part of it. If Satan can destroy the women of a society it is easy for the family to crumble. I’m sure that he’s all kinds of pleased with himself that he has inspired women to chase after their ‘equality’, but in the mean time they’ve really lost what they had, what really matters. I’m sure that I don’t need to preach to you about this, but just thought I would throw out my 2 cents.
Oh my goodness. Like I said, I wish I had time to read more! I think you are doing what I wanted to do at latg.blogspot — I just haven’t gotten so far and I’m definitely not so bold. I started latg because I was finding an under-representation of regular, faithful lds women. The whole Mormon Feminist movement was becoming embarrassing to me. I’ve always considered myself a feminist, but there are so many definitions, and the prevalent definition isn’t mine. I’ve got you on my RSS.
I just discovered your website. I am so thankful for this post (among other things you have said). I felt the same way about the mormon.org video profiles, and I am so glad I am not the only one who felt the way you described feeling. Thank you for sharing.
I was 16 years old before someone told us at a fireside, point blank, that becoming a mother should be the priority of our lives, over career or education, as we looked to the future. I was shocked. Why hadn’t anyone ever told me that before? I had always openly planned, as I grew up in the church, on going to medical school and having my husband stay home with the children. I never considered getting married and having children as a priority above my career pursuits. I never realized that was important.